Long distance relationships are always hard. I could never just call you up and go on a coffee run with you. There was never a text that read, "I'll be there in 5" because you were 286 miles away. Life was always more complicated than that. Seeing each other meant planning out road trips and scheduling dates that worked for the both of us. Sure there was times the drive would get old, but when I saw you, I completely forgot about the drive. You would always meet with that cute, contagious smile and a big hug. Life was good when I was with you. We would have country concerts in my car, late night Hallmark Channel watching, and game nights with your friends. But seeing each other every so often was not enough.
Both of our plates were full. Between school, work, and family, seeing each other was almost impossible. The longer time went on, the more I started to see how much the distance was hurting you. I think you said it best, "Every time we saw each other, it was like we had to start our relationship over." We were never going anywhere with our relationship, all that was happening was we were walking in place. At least that is what you saw.
I saw it as every goodbye was one less goodbye. You were my everything and I didn't care how far you were, I wanted to be with you. I would drive the 286 miles just to see you for 1 day, but that was never enough. I canceled plans with family and friends so that I could see you as much as possible, but in the end, it was never enough.
Seeing you cry that day was the hardest because I knew I was the reason you were crying. Even though I had done nothing wrong, the distance away from you was the reason your were stressed and overwhelmed. You not only had to worry about seeing me, but nursing school, work, and seeing your own family. We had only been dating for a few months and I was the least established "thing" on the list so that meant I am the one who needed to leave. I wasn't ready to say goodbye though...
I am not sure how to describe the feeling of wanting something so bad, but knowing that if you get your way, you are hurting the most important person in your life. My happiness causes you to hurt.
So what did we do?
We broke up.
The hardest part is, have I said my final goodbye to her? I hope not, but right now I don't know. I never wanted to hurt you, but I hurt you. I never wanted to leave you, but you needed to leave me.
Who knows maybe I'll see you in a bakery sometime in the future just like all the Hallmark movies you like watch play out. Right now though, all I can hear in my mind is goodbye and I was never ready to say goodbye.
