Throughout my entire life, everyone around me has done everything they can to cement the presence of God in my life.
My parents were my Sunday school teachers until I hit high school, my first friends were made through church and I tried to stay involved in activities at my church as much as I could for as long as I could.
Tried is a really nice way of saying I failed at that.
As a self-proclaimed perfectionist, I'll be the first to admit that nothing I say or do is ever really "good enough."
I know that I can do a lot of things well, but I always believe I can be better. If I'm being honest, sometimes I'm not very nice to myself. I don't have a lot of wiggle room for error, so when I do make a mistake, it throws me into a tailspin.
Now, this isn't as big of a deal when I'm doing something like writing an article or doing my math homework. If I get frustrated or confused, I put it down and go calm down, then pick it back up when I'm ready.
When it comes to my relationship with God, things are so much more complicated. It's hard to let myself be imperfect when I'm dealing with something that's so perfect in so many ways.
In my eyes, he walks with me along every path and over every obstacle that I encounter. He has given me so many gifts and brought so many amazing people in my life.
Being someone who never really gives herself enough credit makes dealing with that difficult. Yes, I've been blessed in more ways that I can ever really describe. But I've also dealt with a lot of difficulties over the past year.
Struggling with depression and anxiety is hard to deal with, but what made it harder was the fact that I felt I had done something that made me deserve to feel like that.
All of a sudden, I didn't see myself as someone who "deserved" to be loved by God. I didn't know what I did, but I knew that it caused me a lot of pain, and I probably deserved to be struggling in my life and relationships because of it.
I didn't see myself as enough, so I automatically thought that I wasn't enough for God.
Like the sentiment goes, you can't expect someone else to love you if you don't love yourself first. However, this can't be more untrue for the love I've felt from God and the people he has brought into my life.
When I was in a place where I thought I didn't deserve to feel love, he brought me the people that I care about most in life.
Through the seemingly never-ending darkness that I was feeling, he gave me a little shimmer of light that kept me going.
I was afraid to admit that I was struggling because God is so perfect, and during that period, I was the most imperfect I had ever been. But he never gave up on me, and he took all of my hardships and trials and turned them into lessons and promises that I'll carry with me forever.
He took me in and showed me love when I was at my lowest, and for that, I will always be the most grateful.
