Alright friends. It's black history month. This does not mean, however, that I am writing an article about black history or my heritage because to be blunt, I am lacking a lot of information on both fronts. I'm sorry. I'm just an awkward little brown girl with limited knowledge on both sides of her heritage. Don't show up at my door with fire and pitchforks. There isn't much either of us can do about it. I am, however, going to write a little bit about what it's like to be a biracial individual who has been told by society that I have to "choose."

If you don't know what I mean by that, I mean choose which race I identify with the most. I know what you're thinking, "That's not a real thing that happens!" but it is, and it's annoying. Not only is it annoying, it's a little bit of a struggle to handle as well. Now, I'm not really sure if you understand why this is a struggle for people like me. Imagine you were sitting on a bus in the first grade and someone says "So what are you? White or black?" and you respond, "Both," and you are told that you're wrong.

That you have to choose one, or better yet, they just pick one for you. That's enough to make anyone think themselves into a pit of despair, but to be honest, I'm not going to choose. It's nearly impossible to do so.

When you look at me, it's very obvious that I'm not white. It's also very obvious I'm not just black either. This leads to people assuming my ethnicity. One of the most frustrating questions I get following the one about my ethnicity is "Well, which one do you identify with then?" Um, both? Neither? I don't know.

There's a lot of factors that go into which one I have chosen or which I identify with most. For starters, what if I choose one and that group of people doesn't accept me? I can answer that. It sucks.

When I was younger, I did my best to embrace that my dad is half black and I spent a lot of time with kids darker than me. I wore my hair curly and out there, I dressed differently, I acted totally out of character for me, but as time went on and we got older, those kids weren't OK with me being like them anymore and a lot of those kids shut me out.

They accused me of "pretending" to be darker than I was which is likely a valid point. I was raised by a lot of white people, and I didn't necessarily feel like I fit in with those kids.

So my next phase was straightening my hair, buying a lot of American Eagle clothing, and hanging out with white kids. I started using words and phrases I'd heard them say. I adopted some weird suburban accent which unfortunately has since stuck here and there. (I say the "uh" sound at the end of a lot of my words. It's a bad habit). This didn't really work for me either.

Those kids knew I wasn't white, and they also knew that they had way different lives than I had and privileges that I would never obtain. I couldn't keep pretending. I didn't feel like I was white, but I was trying to find a place to fit in. What I didn't realize was, I didn't need to act inherently white or black to fit in. I just had to embrace parts from both, and be myself.

When I embraced that I was neither white nor black, it was easier for me to find my place. I stopped wearing clothes that most of the white kids were wearing, I stopped straightening my hair as often (which has since become a habit again because it's easier to manage), I stopped trying to keep up with slang or activities inherent to one side or the other. I have adopted and embraced traits from both halves of me and learned how to make them work together.

I made friends that were also biracial. I made friends of different races. I made friends pretty much all over because I wasn't pretending to be one thing or another. When I let go of trying to fit into a mold, my life got so much better. I'm not saying it was perfect from then on. I still have struggled with people who will never accept my decision not to pick a side or people that think I'm too dark or too light to socialize in their general vicinity.

I also realize I will never stop being asked to choose. Especially in the world we live in now. I will be asked to pick sides on many issues regarding both sides of my heritage and I will choose the side that I feel is morally right. Not the side that I identify with most.That's just how life is going to go here.

I do have better answers for it and different explanations to go along with my answers that help people to understand that life isn't and can't always be about concrete choices. There are a lot of weird gray areas everywhere you look. You just have to learn to embrace them.

I have spent my entire life driving myself up a wall trying to choose a side or identify with one or the other but the truth is, I don't have to choose. I am an individual with the freedom to be whoever I want to be. I shouldn't have to choose sides on any front just to fit what society expects from me. Whether that be race, gender, sexuality, whatever. I don't have to choose.

I am not white.

I am not black.

I am just a little brown girl who has much more to worry about than which side I belong on.