This is a completely normal article. There is nothing abnormal about it. No buttholes. No Illuminati. No easy steps to overthrow the government. No damn cats riding unicorns. Just a normal article written by a normal person who just so happens to be heavily sedated.

This will not be a rant about the manufactured sentiment Odyssey pumps out. This will not be a discussion on the authors who monologue for 500 words and then expect to be rewarded for basic human sentiment. This is not about the downfall of journalistic integrity. This is a normal article.

I am not being held hostage. I repeat. Odyssey is not holding me hostage. Odyssey is my friend. We are best friends. Yes, sir. They would never force me to write a normal article. I am doing this of my own will. I am heavily sedated by my own will. Yes, sir.

There are no abnormal things inside of my head. I am not conforming. I am simply a normal man writing a normal article in a normal setting with a normal volume of sedatives coursing through his veins. I am completely normal. This is one normal article for the several normal people out there. Normal people are wholesome people. They do not appreciate talk of overthrowing the government. They do not appreciate the Illuminati. They do not appreciate the cat riding the unicorn while firing an Uzi into the air. They do not appreciate talk of BUTTHOLE BUTTHOLE BUTTHOLE BUTTHOLE BUTTHOLE. Sorry. That was an unfortunate slip-up. I sincerely apologize to my normal readers.

My normal readers want a normal article. Normal writing from a normal author. No abnormality here. What a wonderful sentiment. I deserve to be rewarded for my hard work. My normal readers should share this article with other like-minded normal readers like grandparents and morticians. I will give you a moment to do that. Still waiting. There you go.

Hello, Grandma. I hope you are enjoying this completely normal article that your grandson and/or granddaughter sent you. I hope you appreciate that there is no talk of overthrowing governments or buttholes. I hope you appreciate that I am completely normally sedated enough to repress these urges to not write a normal article. Not normal is abnormal, and abnormal is wrong. What a naughty thing to be. I’m sure you wouldn’t want that. No, sir. You want to talk about wholesome things, like flowers and television and baseball games and buttholes and knitting and dish detergents and old movies and Christmas.

Have a wonderful, completely normal day. And remember, you silly kids. No overthrowing the government. Yet.