No One Prepared Me To Hate College

No One Prepared Me To Hate College

It's not easy to leave your entire life behind and start over.

No One Prepared Me To Hate College

Up until this past August, it felt like I had spent my entire life getting ready to go to college. “High school, college, career, then you can settle down,” my dad would always tell me. He would even make me repeat it back to him in that exact order to make sure he got his point across.

But, not only was college ingrained in my mind as the natural next step in my life after high school, it was also something I had looked forward to for most of my life. Everyone tells you, “Oh, college is the best four years of your life, no question.” I’ve always considered myself very independent, hard-working, and friendly; I never doubted my ability to thrive as a college student. But now, as I am almost two months into the “best years of my life”, I am extremely unhappy.

When I entered high school, I had decided to attend a private school for many reasons; but, one of them was definitely to better my chances in the long run for applying to college. While my future was always in the back of my mind, I did end up falling in love with my high school. I loved everything about it; the community, my friends, the opportunities, etc.. I was so involved that I often felt like I was struggling to keep my head above water. Yet, I cherished every second of it. Even though I had always viewed high school as a stepping stone in the grander scheme of my life, it became my life. Even when I got into my dream school, the thought of leaving my life behind led to a rough summer before I came to the University of Richmond this past fall.

Me (left) and my best friend, Colette (right)

I’m tearing up as I write about this because I never really vocalized how depressed I felt as I graduated and was told to move onto “bigger and better things.” People tend to laugh at me or make a joke about how much I was tied to my high school and the life I had built there. I can’t count the number of people who would dismiss my anxious feelings with, “Don’t worry, college is way better.” What they didn’t realize is that, yes, I loved being in high school. But, my identity was my time there. The second I graduated, every relationship I had made, every grade I had earned, every experience I lived, was supposed to be in the past, a memory. Whereas I had always viewed college as this unparalleled excitement, I now began to view it as the end of who I was. Some people love the idea of starting over; I hated it. My confidence plummeted, anxiety became constant, and depression became something I just had to live with.

Graduation Day

I contemplated taking a gap semester or a gap year but realized I was just avoiding something I used to be so excited about. As the last few days drew closer, I focused all of my energy on working my last couple of shifts at the restaurant, packing up my entire room, and surfing the University of Richmond website attempting to restore that spark I used to have. I was able to regain some enthusiasm and by the time I boarded that plane with a one-way ticket, I didn’t look back.

Well, I didn’t look back until about a week later. Orientation was through, and it finally felt like summer camp had ended and I was actually beginning the college experience. Luckily, I got along with my roommate well and had no issues with being homesick. To sum it up: I got all of the courses I wanted, somehow managed to get no classes on Fridays, was in the dorm I wanted to be in with a great roommate, the campus was beautiful, everyone was nice, and the weather was never less than perfect. Nearly everything had gone as well as it could have possibly gone and yet, as I settled in, I felt like I was just going through the motions. Another thing that settled in was this feeling that I was no longer somebody. No one knew my name, where I was from, what I liked to do, or the people that I knew. Each night as I would climb into bed, I felt more and more lost. Then I would get pissed at myself for feeling lost.

They prepare you for a bad roommate, or hard teachers, or a heavy workload, or bad cafeteria food… but they don’t prepare you to feel so alone.

No one told me how hard it was going to be when you have to completely reinvent yourself. No one has an answer for how I could not dislike a single thing here yet be so unhappy. Sometimes, in a single moment or during a single night, it feels like it’s getting better. But then I’m back in my bed, thinking about how even if I go home, nothing will ever be the same. Not even the thought of sleeping in my own bed gives me comfort. I’m just telling myself, “After this semester, you’ll love it,” or, “If you join this club, you’ll find your place.” But I thought I knew my place. And to make matters worse, when I’m honest with people about my experience so far, they all look at me like somehow there’s something wrong with me; it’s hard not to feel like there is.

So, what is my point in writing all of this? Honestly, I’m not really sure. I guess it’s so that anyone who is feeling the same way, knows they aren’t alone. I think that’s one of the worst things to think when you’re not feeling like yourself; that you’re alone. Also it’s because everyone has a different experience when they transition into college and we rarely hear how everything can go right but you can still struggle. I wish someone had told me all of this so that when I started to feel this way, it wasn’t a complete surprise. Even the kids who think they’re the most prepared and most excited for college are going to struggle in some way.

It has taken me months to get to this point, but I do believe that I will find my place here. Now, when upperclassmen around campus tell me, “I promise, you’ll love it,” I have faith in what they say. I can’t end this article with a happy ending, because I haven’t had mine yet. But, I can say that I’m optimistic. And an added bonus, when family and friends ask me how I’m doing, I can just say, “Go read my Odyssey article.”
Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

119 People Reveal How The Pandemic Has Affected Their Love Lives, And Honestly... Relatable

"I haven't been able to get out of the 'talking phase' with anyone."

The reality is, there's no part of life the pandemic hasn't affected. Whether it's your work life, your home life, your social life, or your love life, coronavirus (COVID-19) is wreaking havoc on just about everything — not to mention people's health.

When it comes to romance, in particular, people are all handling things differently and there's no "right way" of making it through, regardless of your relationship status (single, taken, married, divorced, you name it). So, some of Swoon's creators sought out to hear from various individuals on how exactly their love lives have been affected since quarantine began.

Keep Reading... Show less

Nordstrom's Biggest Sale Has The Most Legendary Deals On Luxury Beauty Brands We've Ever Seen

Counting down the days to the Chanel box set gracing my front door.

I oftentimes (excessively) use the excuse of my job as a writer to justify my excessive spending habits.

I needed the new Huda Beauty palette before anyone else in the name of journalistic integrity. It was my job to test out the new Francis Kurkdjian fragrance to make sure I could tell people whether or not it was truly worth the splurge (it was).

Keep Reading... Show less

Listen, you can do whatever you want with your free time. It's yours to spend and you have free range. However, I hope you recognize that there are a ton of proactive things you can do right now instead of stalking your man's ex – yes, I know you do it becuase we are all guilty of it.

Take this time to research your privilege. There are always new things to learn and ways to deepen your understanding of yourself, this world, and your surroundings. We live in a multi-dimensional, ever-changing society that needs your help and your time. By that, I mean there are so many layers to each and every one of us, and with our physical, mental, spiritual, or emotional selves, we can create real, positive change.

Keep Reading... Show less

Preview These Top Nordstrom Anniversary Sale 2020 Picks — From Luxury Purses To Skincare

Currently 3 million people viewing the Stella McCartney purse I absolutely must have.

Online shopping has been a guilty pleasure of ours for years, but now more than ever it's been a shopping lover's outlet for all our home redecorating projects and resort wear we're purchasing for that trip we had to cancel.

One of my favorite places to (virtually) window shop has always been Nordstrom. I admittedly can't afford to go on sprees there often, but I still get a high off of adding things to my cart I know I'll never actually end up buying. But sometimes, that's not enough — that's when I, like the masses of luxury-, beauty-, fashion-, and decor-lovers around the world count the days down to the annual Nordstrom Anniversary Sale.

Keep Reading... Show less

I remember the days where closet drinking before going to a party or bar was part of the night's itinerary. It was a requirement to have a good buzz flowing before calling the Uber to take you to that bar where you see everyone from your high school at. The pregames were the best part of the night, but it wasn't ever because of the alcohol, it was because of the atmosphere and those who were in it. The number of times I've heard "Wait, why aren't you drinking tonight? C'mon, get drunk with us" is endless, but think about it. Where were you when you were asked that? You were at the goddamn pregame and being there doesn't mean you need to be ripping shots. Being social doesn't require alcohol.

I asked 20 people how they cut back on alcohol while still being social.

Keep Reading... Show less

Whether you are quarantining away from your significant other because of coronavirus or separated by the country lines at this time, it's fair to say that long-distance relationships are tough no matter what. However, there are ways to show love from a distance whether that's through daily FaceTime calls, cute Snapchats, or sexy pics sent to them on their phone. You can brighten up their day even more with some of these unique gifts that can fit any price range and a variety of interests.

Keep Reading... Show less

Rihanna is known for many things: her music, fashion, makeup, and now skincare. As a makeup artist myself, I can confidently say that she rocked the makeup world when she released her makeup line in 2017 and has been influencing the beauty world ever since.

Trying some of her makeup products myself, I know that she doesn't skimp on quality, and even though some of her products may be a little pricey, trust me, you get what you pay for.

Keep Reading... Show less

Friends, no one needs to be reminded that the COVID-19 pandemic rages on in the U.S. Frankly, this is because we have all collectively decided not to do the one simple thing that was asked of us and wear a mask.

I could make this a very boring article, and berate you with facts and statistics and the importance of wearing a mask, but I have opted against that for both of our sakes. Instead, I will attempt to reach you in another way. You might not care about a disapproving look from me, but from Nick Miller? Maybe that will be enough to change your mind.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments