To the girl standing in the corner,
Let me begin by saying that no one is alone. You're not alone. It may feel like you are, but there is somebody somewhere feeling exactly how you feel and even if they don't know, they know it gets better. Depression, anxiety, all of it, everyone has a bout of it, trust me. I've been where you've been.
3 days before Christmas I cried and cried because I was living somewhere that wasn't my home and didn't feel like home all because my parents moved back in October. I'd had a shitty junior/senior year of high school and I wanted Christmas to be better than the year before. Well, this year's Christmas shopped up to be just as horrible and just as shitty. There was for the 2nd year in a row no decorations, not tree and no presents. And that is what has made me hate the holiday season.
I didn't know what I did to deserve it and I had a horrible Christmas holiday and I thought of so many ways I could kill myself and I yelled and screamed because ultimately it was better then throwing things. My parents didn't get it and I had no one to talk to. They said things, but things I didn't want to hear that would help me.
Your friends don't seem to get it. It may sound like you're constantly complaining, so you kind of just quit saying things because they tune you out and don't tell you what you need to hear. I've hurt more in the last 2 years than in my whole 18 years of life.
It may feel like you're alone in the world, but I promise your not. It feels like it at the time when you don't think you have friends or anyone to turn to. I mean college, first semester, wasn't terrible, but I hated myself and hardly had friends and the people that I thought were my friends excluded me from things. It was okay, I coped and you will too. I promise. I found things to keep me busy. So, I may have gone to meals by myself. I read a book. I was alone in my dorm while everyone else was out. I cleaned. I watched TV. Sometimes you relish in the quite and the solitude, but you have to come back to reality and mingling with other people.
I pitied myself and cried a lot, but it was the only way to feel slightly better than bottling it all up inside of me. It's still there and it's come back stronger than before, but you don't have to face it alone. Talk to somebody even if it is your parents for five minutes just to tell them something. I've learned that it helps just to say something and it doesn't even have to relate to what's going on.
Sure, you may seem happy and carefree to the rest of the world, but it's either because you're really good at hiding it or people don't recognize your cries for help. After a while though we get good at hiding the pain behind a facade. Soon it becomes impossible for people to realize that you're not OKAY! I got so good at hiding that no one, not even my parents realized something was wrong until I started yelling, screaming, crying at things.
I know that people will ask if you're OKAY and you'll say you're not and then try to tell them about what's wrong, but they eventually quit listening or butt in before the whole of the story has been told. That's what starts to shut you down is you think that know one REALLY listens and gets it. Surprisingly though, there are some that do and will listen. You just have to search a little while for them. Even if it is a character in a book, a parent, a teacher, or a friend.
You don't have to be alone. There is always someone there. Go to a resource on campus if you're in college, go to a doctor if you can't talk to anybody else, but don't be afraid to talk to somebody because then they may say there's nothing wrong with you or maybe because you don't want to start taking pills to ease the signs of depression or anxiety or any such nonsense. Sometimes the most "normal" people you know are fighting the same battle you are.
Sincerely,
Someone whose been in your shoes
