Ah, the time is upon us once again.
The time when the upperclassmen have to deal with the newbies.
No fear, newbies, for I have some tips to get you through your first year so you can ease your way into the college life. Before you know it, you'll be one of us and the freshmen will be your problem.
1. Don't Act Like a Freshman
I know it's tempting to wear that brand-new lanyard around your neck, but don't.
There's no benefit to you. It may hold your student ID for a while, but those things are designed to wear out within a week so you'll lose it. Then, out of the money your parents gave you prior to going on their merry way, you must purchase a new ID because you can't go a month without it.
It prints your essays, though you can easily do that within the comfort of your dorm.
It's how you get your meals, though you have a surplus of Ramen in the cupboard.
It...does other things.
Look, regardless, just take my advice. Throw away that lanyard once you see it on your desk. But, my god, take advantage of those pizza coupons.
Also, don't walk around campus with your head buried in a crumpled, notebook sheet of paper. This sheet, naturally, contains your class schedule. As a freshman, you are unfamiliar with the buildings around campus and your first day of class is usually terrifying. To that I say:
Grow up, you wussy.
This is college, brah. You best be gettin' in the groove or you're not gonna make it three days, man. Better come home before it gets messy.
Sorry. Ahem, dad flashbacks.
This brings me to my next point...
2. Familiarize Yourself with Your Class Locations
Do some exploring. Scope out campus the day before, if you have time in between all that first-weekend, orientation crap. You might even find shortcuts to get where you're going faster, thus looking less like a freshman. Granted, you aren't wearing a lanyard around your neck.
Some college campuses, like Kent State and Ohio University, are spread out throughout their respective towns, so it may take a gas-powered vehicle to get from one point to another. Or a Hoverboard if you wanna be that guy.
Luckily, for me, Wright State is very compact so it takes me about 10 minutes of middle-aged woman, power-walking to get across campus. For those of you who go to real colleges, you'll have to do a little more jogging.
The point is, know where you're going so you don't look like an idiot.
There, I said it.
3. Go to Class, You Lazy Pile
Though I pride myself on my 37 skipped classes my first semester, I ask that you please do not follow in my footsteps. Yes, I am most likely the coolest person you know, but emulation will only get you so far. And so will skipping class.
As I enter my final semester at Wright State, it's dire that I attend all class sessions to make certain I can graduate within the time frame I created for myself. As freshmen, we are granted with the ability to screw up. I started out as a Mass Communication major then switched my Sophomore year to English. As a result, some of my major credits turned into electives. That was my screw up. But...where was I going with this?
Look, skip a few times if you need to, but only for good reasons. Like, say you're tired. Yeah, that's a good reason. Right? You don't want to be called on while drool is slithering down your face, do you? No, you'll look pretty stupid, won't you.
By the way, 'few' is a relative term.
4. Befriend Your Roommate or Your Year Will Be Hell
We've all heard terrible roommate stories. Some enjoying themselves a little too much under the covers at night. Or during the day. Others never showering, thus passing on their odors to your belongings. Whatever the situation may be, you'll inevitably hear about one of these horror stories.
Thankfully, I did not have any of these problems. You probably will, though, if you don't get your act together, pal.
I luckily roomed with one of my best friends from high school. Though our junior high past was a little rocky, we had a good relationship, and still do. Tyler and I have lived together for three years now. The worst encounter we've run into is putting some jelly in the peanut butter jar.
But you. You're different. You'll most likely end up with someone you've never met before and your first encounter with said person will be extremely awkward. It's necessary that you make friends with this person, designate boundaries, and assign each other tasks to do throughout the year. You don't want to be in charge of washing his/her dishes and I don't believe you have the desire to move his/her skimpies to the laundry basket.
Even if you truly don't want their friendship, square up and at least pretend to like them. Because, chances are, they feel the exact same about you. So just smile and keep all the rage and frustration in your mind. Manslaughter can only get you so far.
5. (Attempt To) Be Friendly with Everyone
Even if you believe you can go all four years without speaking to a single soul, it's literally impossible. Tyler and I spent the first two weeks of our freshman year in our room, watching movies that we (sort of) regret watching. Our door was closed 90 percent of the time. Within the confines of our rooms, we could meet no new people. Unless you consider the stars of an NC-17-rated movie 'new people' and the act of watching be considered 'meeting them.'
Regardless.
The best advice I can give to you is to keep your door open. When people walk by, your duty is to wave and be nice. Maybe they'll even pop in to hear Sparrow McGee's rendition of "Cover of the Rolling Stone" by Dr. Hook & The Medicine Show.
Does that previous sentence only apply to me?
Oh, by the way, never watch this movie:
Don't.
(Available on Amazon.com for $9.25)
6. If You Have a Guitar, Be Certain You Know How to Play It
Don't act like you're a rock god if you can't play a note. No one wants to hear you learn how to play the guitar.
Have rhythm.
Turn it down.
Don't be that guy.
Moving on.
7. Be Quiet. You Know What I'm Talking About.
If you must have sex with Jimmy or Sally, or perhaps Jimmy and Sally simultaneously, do it quietly. I can count on three hands the amount of times I've heard people. And that's just on my floor.
It's not that hard, people. Well, it is but never mind my puns.
If you find it that difficult to keep down the volume, buy your significant other a muzzle (though they'll probably use it next week with Chad from 4E). Or perhaps do the more civil thing and put on a romantic movie or a Barry White album to drown out the sound. Or whatever you're into.
Also, inform your roommate ahead of time. No one likes to be sexiled.
Oh, and I guess doing it on your roommate's bed is looked down upon.
8. Take Advantage of Your Rec Center
The so-called 'Freshman Fifteen' is a real thing. Of course, it doesn't just end at fifteen, if you're not careful. So stop with the Twinkies and the Crystal Pepsi and all other discontinued protects that should have stayed in the past.
Plus, it's free. After you pay your tuition that is. So, use it.
Or you'll get fat.
There, I said it.
9. Don't Make the Same Mistake I Did
If you're not 100 percent sure about your high school relationship lasting through college, put an expiration date on it now. Trust me. You won't have anything to tie you down and your stress levels will lower significantly. You will both be much happier.
And maybe you won't meet anyone you would want to date in college. And that's okay. You have your whole life to meet new people. But maybe the person you were meant to be with was in front of you the whole time.
Wouldn't that be something.
