Today, after a harsh day, I just couldn't handle it anymore. I got into my car, turned the key and shifted the gear into reverse. I cranked up my music and took what felt like my first deep breath in hours. I pointed my steering wheel away from the lights of town and let everything I'd been feeling all day fall down around me.
"It's not a silly little moment, it's not the storm before the calm."
John Mayer crooning away blended with the rhythm of my cracked, heaving breaths as I finally let myself cry, about my day, about how I was feeling, about why I was feeling that way. Lately it had been one thing after another. As I pressed my foot a little harder on the gas and let my foot off the clutch, my wobbly, creaky old Jeep sped away from all of my problems and further towards the darkness that lies all around our little town.
"Nobody's gonna come and save you, we've pulled too many false alarms."
As the glimmering lights fell further and further behind me, the inky darkness of the sky fell down around me. Dark, hulking shapes sheltered me on one side, with the velvety sky rising up to meet the horizon on the other side and on the road in front of me. The lights flickered in my rearview mirror as I pressed harder on the gas pedal, the engine revving in protest. I cranked the dial of the music even louder until it was drowning out my own thoughts.
"You try to hit me just to hurt me, so you leave me feeling dirty, because you can't understand."
It's gotten so dark that, save the light of the moon hovering directly to my left, and the tiny pinpricks of light that are stars that dot the sky here and there, all I can see is the road in front of me illuminated by my headlights. It occurs to me that this is a lot like my life lately. All I'm doing is racing towards a blankness that I cannot see, ignoring what's right in front of me and hoping what comes next will be better than what I have left behind. There's a moment of silence as the music changes that shocks me out of my reverie.
"Take a withdrawal slip, take all of your savings out. 'Cause if we don't leave this town, we might never make it out."
Right now I'm focusing on the stars. How they seem to both shy away from the light of the moon and shine so forcefully on their own regardless. They lay themselves out against the inky darkness of the pitch-black sky with no fear of standing out. They hover right above the horizon, right next to the looming mountains. They do not shy away from that which is different from them or question why they are different. They just shine, quietly, faithfully.
"Or is it hard work dear, holding the atmosphere, I don't wanna live like that."
It's midnight on a Tuesday, so I mostly have the road to myself. But every now and then, a twin pair of lights floats around the corner or up from behind a hill and races past me. For a flicker of a second, I stop my own thoughts to wonder about the life of that stranger. Who they are, what they feel, why they're out on a lonely road just like me. I look back at the road, at the horizon in front of me and see a star fall right down out of the sky and for a moment I can relate to that star. I also know what it's like to fall from grace and to have so few people witness it, but to feel like it was on display for the whole world to see. For one silent moment, I feel unbearably lonely.
"Oh, but when you wanna get yourself found, there may be no one around. You sink without a sound, you know it's true."
And then I realize, I'm in no way alone. Just because I'm not at my best right now, there are still people waiting for me in that town I raced away from. People who believe in my fire, in my light, in my ability to keep shining even when it feels like my light is dimming. Just because I'm alone in this car on this deserted road with only the silent companionship of the steady moon, doesn't mean I have to be as devastated as I am. I realize that it is okay to be sad, to hurt, to cry and to need to drive until your head is clear again.
"Oh when the winds they blow, you're gonna need somebody to know you, you're gonna need somebody's love to fall into."
I drive for a little while longer, allowing myself to breathe with the rise and fall of the hills that this road cuts through and then I turn the car around. I drive back towards town and when I get there, I will appreciate the love of those who truly care for me. I realize that I am like the stars, so unafraid to shine regardless of the competition of the moon or the strangeness of the mountains beside them. I realize that the people who love me are like the steady companion that is the moon, there beside me silently even when I can't feel it.
"But with no fire, there is no light, with no light you'll never see all the colors in the world, and all the love that's inside."
After tonight, I appreciate the love I am shown from the people I cherish just a little bit more. I will take a second to feel the love given in every word of reassurance, in every hug, in every comforting gesture. I coast back into town, to my house, and I turn the key out of the ignition, with the sounds of the song fading out at the same time as the engine.
"You're gonna need somebody's arms to crawl into, to crawl into."
