A Night Out In College As Described By Spongebob Squarepants

A Night Out In College As Described By Spongebob Squarepants

I'm ready, I'm ready.
Rae Land
Rae Land

Going out Thursday, Friday or Saturday night in college is a process. Spongebob Squarepants is here to guide you through his/your typical night out.

1. Deciding whether or not to actually go out

Sometimes you just want a night in. Spongebob has a lot of homework for boating school due next week and you have a paper due in your History class.

2. Rallying

Spongebob comes in all dressed up and tries to convince Squidward to come out with him. "You're the worst big ever if you don't go out," Spongebob teases Squidward. "You have all day tomorrow to do your work. I promise we won't stay out long!" your friend begs. Inundated with lacerating comments, you and Squidward finally cave.

3. Deciding where to go

If it's a Friday night, there are lodges. For those attending other colleges not blessed with the so-called lodge, a lodge is basically a frat house with a floor covered in beer and sludge up to your ankles and the lovely stench of sweaty humans and alcohol. Fun! There's not shortage of assorted nocturnal hangouts and tonight the themes are American, risky business, and 80's. Spongebob calls all of his friends in Bikini Bottom while you call all your friends on campus to make sure they're going to the same party.

4. Outfit choice

An outfit choice for going out is often the hardest part. Going to a club requires a completely different get-up than going to a themed lodge. Spongebob digs through his costume box to find the perfect leggings. Then he runs next door to Patrick's house because he always has the crop top Spongebob needs. Donning fanny packs, tutus, and lodge shoes (beer stained, white, low-top Converse), and you're both ready to party.

5. Pre-gaming

Often more fun than the actual party, Spongebob and Patrick sometimes don't even make it to the party.

6. Making it to the lodge

Whether you break dance, cartwheel, sashay, stumble, gallop or run, you arrive. Poor Patrick fell on the pavement and scraped a knee, but don't worry, Spongebob is EMT certified.

7. Dancing

You and your friends venture to stand on and dance on any and all elevated surfaces you find, one-upping and out-crazying each other. Spongebob and Patrick are much better dancers in their minds than in reality.

8. Attempting to leave

"I'm ready to go whenever you are!" basically means, "ok I really really want to leave." Spongebob just has to convince Patrick to leave the person he's been flirting with all night and come back with him. Everyone's starting to look more attractive to Patrick as the night wears on.

9. Actually leaving

Finally you rally up all the troops and you're ready to make the walk, run, crawl back to the dorms.

10. Hunger

If you aren't hungry after a night out, you didn't actually go out. Spongebob and all college party-goers worship pizza after a long night out. Spongebob paid last week so he makes Patrick order and pay this time.

11. FOOD

The food arriving is the peak of your night.

12. Finding your way to bed

Getting your makeup off, teeth brushed, and pajamas on sometimes just doesn't happen, and that's OK. Spongebob often finds himself just sleeping in his underwear after a night out. If a miracle happens, you'll wake up the next day having showered the night before.

A successful night in Bikini Bottom (or rock bottom).

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To The Friends I Won't Talk To After High School

I sincerely hope, every great quality I saw in you, was imprinted on the world.


So, for the last four years I’ve seen you almost everyday. I’ve learned about your annoying little brother, your dogs and your crazy weekend stories. I’ve seen you rock the awful freshman year fashion, date, attend homecoming, study for AP tests, and get accepted into college.

Thank you for asking me about my day, filling me in on your boy drama and giving me the World History homework. Thank you for complimenting my outfits, laughing at me presenting in class and listening to me complain about my parents. Thank you for sending me your Quizlets and being excited for my accomplishments- every single one of them. I appreciate it all because I know that soon I won’t really see you again. And that makes me sad. I’ll no longer see your face every Monday morning, wave hello to you in the hallways or eat lunch with you ever again. We won't live in the same city and sooner or later you might even forget my name.

We didn’t hang out after school but none the less you impacted me in a huge way. You supported my passions, stood up for me and made me laugh. You gave me advice on life the way you saw it and you didn’t have to but you did. I think maybe in just the smallest way, you influenced me. You made me believe that there’s lots of good people in this world that are nice just because they can be. You were real with me and that's all I can really ask for. We were never in the same friend group or got together on the weekends but you were still a good friend to me. You saw me grow up before your eyes and watched me walk into class late with Starbucks every day. I think people like you don’t get enough credit because I might not talk to you after high school but you are still so important to me. So thanks.

With that said, I truly hope that our paths cross one day in the future. You can tell me about how your brothers doing or how you regret the college you picked. Or maybe one day I’ll see you in the grocery store with a ring on your finger and I’ll be so happy you finally got what you deserved so many guys ago.

And if we ever do cross paths, I sincerely hope you became everything you wanted to be. I hope you traveled to Italy, got your dream job and found the love of your life. I hope you have beautiful children and a fluffy dog named Charlie. I hope you found success in love before wealth and I hope you depended on yourself for happiness before anything else. I hope you visited your mom in college and I hope you hugged your little sister every chance you got. She’s in high school now and you always tell her how that was the time of your life. I sincerely hope, every great quality I saw in you, was imprinted on the world.

And hey, maybe I’ll see you at the reunion and maybe just maybe you’ll remember my face. If so, I’d like to catch up, coffee?



Cover Image Credit: High school Musical

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