I think we can all agree that 2017 is a year to forget. The current, tense political climate, acceleration of climate change, and knowledge that most men are serial sexual assaulters, alone, is enough to push anyone over the edge, but dealing with it all simultaneously makes me want to press fast-forward on my life remote. In other words, it's time to welcome 2018 with open arms. Here are some New Year's resolutions, tailored to your zodiac sign, to help start the year off right.
Capricorn
December 23 - January 20
Ambitious Capricorn, you work so hard all the time. Do yourself a favor and slow down once in a while, sleep in late, or actually sleep longer at night than the length of a cat-nap. Better yet, take a personal/sick day and give yourself a full 24 hours of me time.
Resolution: Stop and smell the roses.
Aquarius
January 21 - February 19
Easygoing Aquarius doesn't care what people think. Hey buddy, did anyone ever tell you that first impressions count? It's nice to go with the flow, but pull yourself together and put in some effort, for once...
Resolution: Learn how to adult.
Pisces
February 20 - March 20
Shy, awkward little Pisces, stop being afraid of your own shadow. You let people walk all over you and you often wear your heart on your sleeve, which also means you are very easily hurt. You should definitely never move to New York City, like ever.
Resolution: Grow a thicker skin.
Aries
March 21 - April 20
Aries is a powerful and confident girl boss who is #goals at all times. Hey Aries, a word of advice, take a chill-pill; when you're the boss, you're allowed to delegate tasks to others. Also, don't be afraid to listen to the opinions of others; you aren't the only one around here with good ideas.
Resolution: Let your minions do your dirty work.
Taurus
April 21 - May 21
Taurus, I'm going to be honest with you, you're very headstrong. You never admit when you're wrong and love being the stubborn--no, not tenacious, you're stubborn--one in the friend group. Take your fingers out of your ears and stop giving everyone the silent treatment.
Resolution: Listen and learn.
Gemini
May 22 - June 21
Gemini, you really know how to take partying to the next level. You know how to light up any room and steal any spotlight. Try going out less this year; your wallet and liver will both thank you.
Resolution: Sign up for a Netflix account.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Cancer really knows how to keep an air of mystery around them. From being inconsistent and indecisive, to always changing plans, people have gotten tired of dealing with your flightiness. Do us all a favor and follow through once in a while.
Resolution: Make a plan and stick to it.
Leo
July 23 - August 21
I'm going to tread lightly on this one; Leo, you're sassy, and not only sassy, but downright scary at times. It's no secret you have a temper but for the sake of everyone around you, please try to keep it in check this year. When in doubt, just walk away from the situation before you do anything rash.
Resolution: Pick your battles carefully.
Virgo
August 22 - September 23
Virgo overanalyzes everything, and I mean everything. From the text that guy sent you to the theories of the universe, you sometimes look for a deeper meaning where one doesn't exist. Give your brain a break and stop trying to make everything make sense. Better yet, do something completely mindless, like listening to elevator music.
Resolution: Accept things at face value.
Libra
September 24 - October 23
Glamorous Libra, you definitely prefer the finer things in life. When people question your expensive taste, you love to tell them that the high quality warrants the hefty price tag. This year, it's time to admit that the drugstore has pretty good dupes for your Sephora favorites, like L'Oreal Lash Paradise mascara ( $9.99) in place of Too Faced BTS mascara ($23).
Resolution: Invest that hard-earned cash in Bitcoin.
Scorpio
October 24 - November 22
Scorpio, you are the most loyal, caring friend there is, but we don't deserve you. It's time to ditch the selfish significant other and the toxic friends who have you at their beck and call. Newsflash, you aren't the butler.
Resolution: Be a free elf, like Dobby.
Sagittarius
November 23 - December 22
Reckless Sagittarius, you may be young but you definitely aren't invincible. Stop being a danger to yourself and others and please learn how to self-care. Also, please do not volunteer to drive on our next road trip. Yes, you get dibs on shotgun.
Resolution: Take it easy.
