For the first time in ever, I am setting new year's resolutions. I was one of the enemies of progress who felt resolutions were overrated and empty promises and that folks should not wait to the new year to change. Quite frankly, it isn't that simple. Yes, when you identify a cause for change in your life, you should change as soon as you can. However, in American culture specifically and other cultures, we put an emphasis on reflecting on your life at the end of the year and changing for the better during the next 365 cycle so that is what people tend to do. Granted, self-reflection and change should be constant but I'd rather someone do it at the end of the year then to never do it at all.
With that being said, I am always reflecting on my life and trying to change. But. I have been slacking. 2015 ended horribly, and 2016 was even worse. There were some bright spots, but I had more bad days than good. By December of 2016, I just got tired of being unhappy and I knew exactly what I needed to do to better my situations. For me, the new year did not cause me to the become better. My "glo-up" was already underway and the turn of the year happened to occur during it. So I am using the new year, my resolutions and this piece to memorialize the promises I am making to myself.
Honestly speaking, sometimes I forget my goals. Like literally forget. I get so wrapped up in just making it day to day I forget about the long term. By writing these goals out, I have a point of reference if I do forget, I can hopefully inspire someone else to take this journey with me and I also have a source of accountability. Perhaps one of my readers will hold me to these goals and help me achieve them cause everyone needs some motivation!
Here are my goals for 2017:
1. Unlearn my conditioning and become self-taught.
Yo. Every day, I am learning that what I believe to be true is not true. I have been conditioned to think a certain way and to believe so many things and I am no longer tolerating it. I want to be an activist and a productive member of society and I want to fight for the greater good. I will submerge myself in honest literature, eye-opening films and documentaries and be present in safe and open spaces. It's time for everyone to wake up and I will take steps towards doing so.
2. Take care of my body.
Let me be clear - I do not want to be skinny. Ever. I do not think being skinny is wrong, but that is not my standard of beauty. I love being big, and curvy - for myself. I am very much aware that being skinny is not synonymous with being healthy nor is being fat synonymous with being unhealthy. But. for me. I am an unhealthy fat girl and that needs to change. I should be able to go to my class on the third floor without dying. I should be able to dance for more than a minute. I should not have aches and respiratory problems - I'm only 20 years old.
The prevalence of health problems in my communities (Gambian, black, women, etc) scare me and I do not want to fall victim to them. I know what I have to do and I am going to stick to it. I will make more of my own meals in a healthy and wholesome fashion. I will not only pay for my gym memberships, I will actually go. I will take better care of my hair, my nails, my skin- everything. Lastly, I will attend classes and such so I can be around folks who are working towards the same thing. I want to be a healthy fat girl!
3. No FUCKBOYS 2017
I have always wondered why I was always left with the fuckboys and it took a conversation with my old coworker Mercy to unpack that. The reason why I was always left with the fuckboys was because I allowed them into my life.
Through my conversation with Mercy, I realized my relationships are a direct manifestation of my insecurities. I do not go after guys no matter how much I crushed on them because my fear of rejection was far too high. I only allowed guys who worked really hard to get me to date me. Mind you, from the jump, I knew these guys were not for me and never would be. Yet, I still gave in because I tricked myself into thinking they had potential and they all ended up being fuckboys.
As Mercy said, "Asamia, you're beautiful and you're popping" and that is true. I have to understand that I am worthy and I deserve the best because while I might not be perfect in relationships I give my all. So, I will stop entertaining men I know are not for me and spare myself the emotional burdens of these toxic relationships. I deserve better.
4. Stop slacking in school and stop wasting money.
School used to be my thing and then it wasn't. From 2015-2016 my GPA has plummeted and I have become extremely careless. I am dissatisfied with school, and no one is on my back to make sure I stay on track, but that is no excuse. I cannot sabotage myself. I have fallen off the track and I will get back on it. It will take me longer than expected but I can do it. I will remain organized, focus and try not to procrastinate. I will work hard inside and outside of the classroom and when I feel myself slipping, i'll pull myself back up.
As for saving money, I don't really have a plan so if anyone has any tips let me know :)
5. Take care of my mental health
It's been tough. It really has. I have not been officially diagnosed but I really believe I struggle with depression and anxiety and I am not saying this to be cute. I have to say it out loud because it's real and I cannot become who I want to be if I don't combat these issues. As a black, Muslim, Gambian woman, Mental illness is looked down upon but I cannot let the stigma prevent be from understanding my real life mental and emotional inhibitions.
The first step is to admit it which is really hard. I've written and written this part so many times because I feel embarrassed and exposed. However, someone out there might need some motivation to deal with their own issues and I help my revelation can help with that.
Next step for me is to seek some help. Sometimes I feel like I might struggle with mental health issues and sometimes I feel like I'm being dramatic but getting some professional advice can't hurt.
I want to be the best me and I know it's going to be a long hard road but I don't have any other option. I'm tired of the life I live and I want it to be better. I am grateful but I want better.
If anyone would like to take this journey with me, let's do it!