(CHARLESTON, SC) — “The primaries are a scam!” screams Matthew Fish, an 18 year old South Carolinian who awoke from his deep slumber only to find that his state's primary had just come to a close. Throwing himself against the doors of the community library, he is clearly disheveled, completely clad in stained merchandise promoting presidential candidate Bernie Sanders. While visibly distraught, he stopped in his rampage to speak with us. “The last thing I remember, it was December, and I was laying in my room collecting dank Bernie memes. And now it’s February? Can someone explain to me how it’s February?” Mr. Fish resumes his unintelligible fit and is promptly escorted from the premise by security. His wails, however, are echoed by a now growing crowd of young hopeful voters. They all complain of the same unintentional comatose state. So what is the cause of this, why haven’t we noticed and what does this mean for the future of democracy?
Apparently, this isn’t new. Unbeknownst to adolescents, self proclaimed voting expert Ed Applegate blames a consistently low voter turnout rate on what is documented as SYL, Seasonal Youth Lethargy. “I’m tellin’ ya! It’s a scam! We’ve known since the early 70’s that kids don’t come out because they’re passed out in their rooms from December to February at the very least! The Koch Brothers know it! Exxon-Mobil knows it!” Call it winter hibernation or general disinterest, experts all sing the same tune. “It’s the damn grass! That’s what’s causing all this!” By grass, Mr. Applegate refers to the controversial substance popular among America’s youth, cannibas (often referred to as marijuana, mary-jane, weed, hash, dank, dope or wacky-tobacky). Could it be that there is a direct correlation between recreational drug use and low voter turnouts? He throws his hand in the air, “the kids don’t even know it! One second they’re huffin’ and puffin’ and then BOOM! next thing you know a whole three months has passed and they’re covered in their own drool. It’s an outrage!”
An outrage indeed. While this is all speculation, most of the home experts that I spoke with came to the same conclusion. In 1971, when the voting age was from adjusted from 21 to 18, the heads of America’s top earning corporations knew that this act of appeasement did not mean a dramatic increase in liberal voters. Surely America’s youth would be too busy “smoking the devil’s lettuce” to show up to the voting booths. According to Mr. Applegate, deliberately placed primaries at the end of these comatose states ensure that the voice of America’s youth remains unheard. While we cannot confirm this, eager young voters like Matthew and so many others lose their voice in the democratic process because of the epidemic that is SYL.
In the words of Mr. Fish, “This is a joke, man. The democratic process is a joke!” We wish him the best of luck with the next local and midterm elections. Despite this unfortunate setback, let us all learn from Mr. Fish. Remember, sharing dank memes on Facebook isn’t enough to elect our nation’s next president. Medicate your SYL with a little TLC and get voting! The American public thanks you for your civic duty.
