All of the times that I have become close to a friend, I've put them on pedestals. I cared so much about what people think of me. Now, not so much. I catch myself from returning to old bad habits.

I think I’ve had three best friends in my life. Actual, I-would-do-anything-for-you-if-you-asked kind of best friend. Only that feeling was never reciprocated. What’s worse, I fell in love with my best friends. I wanted nothing more as a teenager than to fall in love with my best friend, get an apartment together as soon as we finished high school, adopt or foster a bunch of animals, and spoon every night - I wanted everything to be perfect. This sounds pretty typical of a 15-year-old kid who has grown up around romantic comedies all of their life. I wanted nothing more than to spend my life with someone at just 15-years-old.

In hindsight, it was extremely unhealthy.

For instance, I had a best friend when I was a sophomore in high school. I didn’t know him “in real life.” We met on Tumblr. We talked on MSN, had Skype webcam calls, and phone calls until the early morning. And I fell in love. I fell in love and I placed him on the highest pedestal. He made me laugh, he made me feel comfortable to open up about myself, he made me so happy. I wanted to follow him until the end of time, wherever he wanted to go, I wanted to be right beside him.

Unfortunately, this meant not looking out for myself. As these things happen, I lost sight of myself. I began to ignore many of my friends in school in lieu of my best friend, who I thought could do no wrong, especially to me. After a few messy incidents with this best friend at the time, all of a sudden, it wasn’t sunshine and rainbows any longer.

We both developed very bad habits. We became self-obsessed and created this unhealthy dependent bubble. And as bubbles do, it burst.

I was a jealous person to an extreme fault. I wanted all of his attention on me. He made me believe that I was the only person that mattered. Or maybe I fooled myself into thinking so because I was so blind to the reality of friendships and relationships. Either way, I think I accepted that half of this relationship was my fault.

As soon as someone was added to the equation, I just couldn’t take it. My heart broke into a million pieces. I forced myself into so many friendships and made questionable decisions so that I can be noticed again. I competed with others in this particular friend’s life to be the best, his only, and the most worth it to him.

Apparently, I wasn’t any of those. It took me a long while to accept that although our relationship turned toxic, I didn’t totally regret it. One thing I do regret and I constantly need to remember is that I can’t do that anymore; I can no longer compete with others for a spot in someone’s life. I can’t spend hours, days, months, years, wishing to be with someone who isn’t going to fight as much as I do. This led to our falling out. I don't want closure; I don't feel like it's going to help me. I've grown separately from this person and I am immensely proud of who I am.

Five years later, the scars are still there. I’ve had enough relationships to know how these things go. Placing people on pedestals and revolving one’s life around someone is not healthy and can lead to serious hurt for either one of you, or even both parties. In my experience, with time, it becomes easier to deal with. I wish I could reach out to my 16-year-old self and tell them that it wasn’t the end of the world, but just the beginning.