Suicide: the action of killing oneself intentionally. Or at least that's what the dictionary defines it as, but I think it has much more meaning than the death itself; it's symbolic and impactful.

Recently, a close family friend took his own life, and no one saw it coming. He was a three sport athlete, class president, talked about going to culinary school one day, and always brought a positive energy to the room. His death was a surprise to, not only his mom, but girlfriend and best friends as well. No one saw it coming, and no one was ready for it.

I guess there's no way to really prepare for the death of someone you care about, but why does suicide seem to hurt more? Is it because you blame yourself for not doing more to help that person? Is it because it is unexpected, most of the time?

I guess some of these questions don't really have an answer, but that's okay. Suicide is one of the hardest things to grieve. The what ifs and whys always find a way to cross your mind when you have no medical condition or physical reason to blame the death on. As humans, it's natural to question things, but when it comes to suicide, sometimes, no answers can be found. It's like you were reading a book and the author never finished it; you're left with only part of the plot.

The truth is, there's nothing to place the blame on, which is one of the hardest parts about dealing with suicide. There's no one to get angry at, no doctor to blame, nothing. This makes it hard to get through the grieving process because there are so many unanswered questions.

This is my second personal experience with losing someone to suicide, and if I've learned anything it's that you'll never know why. You'll never know why they did it, you'll never know exactly what set them off, you just never will. That is something that takes time to understand and accept. The only way I could finally accept it, was remembering the legacy they left behind and holding onto that. After all, wouldn't you want to be remembered for the positive impact you had, rather than questioned for your intentions? I know dealing with suicide is incredibly hard, but I promise that holding onto the positive qualities and memories they left behind will get you through it.