I thought maybe - just maybe - if I wrote this all down, I would feel better. It's been 5 months since we broke up. It wasn't Earth shattering. My life didn't stop because of it… it's just the hardest adjustment I have ever had to make. See, add a year to each of those months and that gives an adequate time frame of how much of my personal time and energy was given to this human.

I want to believe that this was not all in vain, and that those first 2 years were really good so it was worth it… until they started lying, until they started cheating, until they stopped giving a shit about me - but that's too optimistic of me and the situation.

Why would they stay? Why stay with someone they clearly don't care about? Why would anyone want to make someone deliberately go through this? Isn't growing up traumatic enough?

It's been 5 months… and it still feels like yesterday. It's been 5 months, but every time there's reminiscing or conversation about anything - they're at the forefront of my mind.

Like most teens - I struggled with self-worth. It took my first love dying for me to even verbalize that I didn't feel worthy of being loved. It's been more than a decade since I've felt like that.

Every day I get closer to 30, and believe me - I'm not trying to run off into the sunset with anyone, I just don't want to feel like this anymore. Or maybe I just don't want to deal with this anymore.

So here's to letting go - or at least another part of its grief.

5 months

Feels like 5 tons

Packed tightly against

Shoulder blades.

Barbed wire wrapping

Itself neatly against my breast.

I am ok.

Tight-roping through

Every episode

Of desperation

And despair.

Feeling not

Enough.

Worthless.

As if

Endless tossing

Wasn't adequate.

As if

Empty bed sheets

Wasn't sufficient.

As if

I…

Wasn't ample enough.

Still unsure

How it ended up

Here.

Another blood

Stained tear

Pooling at my feet.

5 months

Feels like too long

To so easily

Forget

5 years…

Wasted.

Lilies dance

In memories

In laughter

In brief bursts of

Happiness.

We were happy,

I think.

It's so hard

To distinguish

Between happiness

And the lies.

The cheating

Scraping

Daggers

Along already

Torn heart pieces.

I am damaged.

Perhaps now a little bitter

And annoyed.

Bias

To say the least.

Speak

And my heart

Assumes bullshit.

Come closer

And I've already leaped

Bounds away.

I can't fathom

How to let anyone in –

Tattered sheets.

No longer is my skin

Laundered.

No matter what,

I am not the same.

What has been

And what will always be

Still somehow

Remains at eye-level.