What is this? This feeling of senseless confusion I seem to be struggling with. The feeling of not knowing what comes next. The feeling of not being strong enough or smart enough to know how to handle what life is putting me through at this exact moment. Why can't I just push through, remember, and realize everything is going to be okay? Why am I stuck in this depressive state feeling there is no way out?

I take a look at my calendar and see many plans coming up the next few days, or weeks. Usually, I would be excited and look forward to what will come. This time is different. I'm not excited for what is to come. I should be, whereas I will be starting a new chapter in my life, but I don't seem to be thrilled about it. I don't feel the "new beginning" "happy-go-lucky" sensation. I don't feel as though I'm making the right choice for me. Why is this?

Is it because I'm about to be going through huge changes, and considering I've never done this before, my mind is setting me up for the unknown battle? Or maybe my mind is battling itself, telling me I can't do this, I won't survive.

Why am I not excited to share this wonderful opportunity with those I love, including my significant other?

Why do I feel as though I am not strong enough to handle myself out in the world, and that I will fall - far and deep.

I pretend I know what I'm doing and thinking way too much already, and I'm getting tired of continuing that behavior. I'm tired of being the strong one. The happy one. The always-smiling one. The always-helping-others-before-herself one. I need someone now.

I need someone to be the person I've been for others for many years.

I need someone to tell me what I would tell someone else in my situation.

I need you.

Life can be too much at times. Work can be too much at times. Friendships can be too much at times. These parts of life really take tolls on oneself. We all know this, but why does it continue to affect our way of living if we've experienced it before?

Why do us humans depend on ourselves, and only ourselves when we secretly are crying for help?

Some may believe that they can survive without any type of help throughout their lifetime, but that is not me.

I pray to God. I ask for advice. I try to get as much help as possible. It just doesn't seem to be enough.

I am tired of looking in the mirror, and not liking what I see. I'm tired of putting on a mask around certain people in my life and pretending they're not affecting me in any way. I'm tired of pretending I don't really know what's going on.

I need you.

What did I do to you? Why wouldn't you want to be a part of my life?

I have been in and out of the hospital for years. I have gotten my license. I have graduated high school and survived a year of college. I will go to school for a few more years, I will get my degree. I will get married, and start my own family. Where will you be?

Maybe this would all make more sense if you would've been there to help guide me. Maybe I wouldn't feel so lost - like a part of me is missing.

I need you, Dad.

I need you.