"So how do you know Dotty?"

First, I would like to emphasize that this is not a hypothetical situation. This past weekend I went to visit my best friend’s hometown. Upon discovering that her dad and his girlfriend were attending a party, we promptly invited ourselves along. The obvious reason being that the food (and wine) were sure to be amazing, and we were all too willing to put ourselves through socially challenging situations to get it. It took place in the gorgeous home studio of an ultra hip 60-year-old Cape Cod artist, and it was a far cry from the frat basements we have been known to frequent. If you ever find yourself at your friend’s dad’s girlfriend’s friend’s birthday party (as we all eventually do), here are some guidelines to success:

DO know the birthday girl’s name. It’s best to identify her early as well, so that you do not make the unfortunate mistake of asking her how she knows herself.

DO offer to help bring in the ice, as this the only socially acceptable way to make a beeline for the wine.

DO make friends. The key to schmoozing is literally just asking questions. You can do it. For example, the following utterances have left my mouth:

• This salad is amazing, how did you make it?
• What kind of boots do you wear clamming?
• So tell me more about your job at the waste treatment plant!

DO direct your schmoozing at the lady heating up tortillas. After building some rapport she will tell you what fills the tortillas, and will offer you the first one.

DO identify the only two other people in the room who are under 40. They are your allies. They will suggest great wines and reassure you that your 30s are way better than your 20s. The best is yet to come, friends.

DO eat a lot of incredible food that is entirely out of your price range but...

DON’T eat it all at once. Maintain a small plate with a dainty amount of food until you go cross-eyed from too many stuffed grape leaves.

DON’T dally getting to the oysters on the half-shell. Those suckers will be gone before you can say “where do I put my coat?”

DON’T have your phone out. As college students, our eligibility for guests at a dinner party is already questionable. Nothing will alienate you from this crowd more than looking like a petulant teenager.

DON’T accept a pull from the joint that is going around—yes the 60 year-old lesbian artist crowd might be into it, but that does not mean your friend’s dad is.

DON’T appear too interested in the lesbian cult classic movie that is playing in the background. A movie might appear to be a safe place to direct your attention but this is a trap. Your friend’s dad is already confused by your and friend’s desire to sleep in the same bed.