I’ve never been a person who has a lot of confidence in how she looks. Even leaving the house without makeup used to intimidate me, and until this summer you could always find me with a thick black line across my eyelid because for some deluded reason I assumed it made me look less tired.
This summer, I finally admitted to myself that I had grown to hate my face without makeup. And for me, that was unacceptable. Consciously admitting that even in my own home I was uncomfortable without makeup irked me. Who was I to tell myself that my face was not okay just the way it was? So, spontaneously and without any real idea of what I was doing, I just stopped wearing makeup.
At first, I struggled with how tired I thought I looked. I assumed that everyone around me was judging me for not wearing any makeup and that everyone was secretly making fun of the way my eyes squinted and nearly disappeared when I smiled.
But the thing is, as I continued to wear my natural face, I began to grow more confident in myself. I accepted the way I looked and was proud of myself for choosing to smile and laugh the way I always had. I realized that quite frankly, no one else cares what my face looks like, and even if they do, it’s my face--not theirs. People weren’t as worried about how I looked as I had foolishly assumed they were.
This summer I achieved a level of confidence that I was never able to before. I laughed and was as bold as I wanted to be because there was no longer any makeup for me to hide behind. The people I interacted with were getting the realest, rawest version of me and no one seemed to have anything bad to say about it. That’s not to say that I don’t still have insecurities--everyone does-- but the experiences I had allowed me to realize that I am so much more than a mask of lines and color.
Now that I’m back in school, I have started wearing makeup again. In reality, it does make me look less tired and sometimes I need that. On the first day, I was disappointed in myself. I had made so much progress only to seemingly throw it all away on the first day of school. However, the lessons I learned didn’t just “disappear.” They’ve stuck with me in more ways than I can count. I’m so much more comfortable being myself around people because I know I don’t have to hide anything anymore. They’ve seen the natural version of me and they’ve seen the version that wears a little eyeliner. Either way, they’re both me.
Drawing a little black line above my eye does not change who I am. It may change my face, but it will never alter the fibers of my being that define me as me. That’s the lesson that I learned this summer, and that’s why I’m proud to say I can now bare my face, and my soul, to the world.
