Dear Anxiety,
It has become evident to me that we have a love/hate relationship. One day, I hope it will be just a loving relationship. But, right now you sometimes cause me so much pain that it angers me. You have the ability to take over my body and mind. You cause me to feel on the go in every moment and have made me start to avoid some of the things I love. I used to be able to manage several cups of coffee a day, but now my heart starts pounding after a half of a cup. Then, you make my background thoughts circle around. These two effects combined together makes me feel cloudy, out of place, and worried. You honestly spike at the most inconvenient times— when I'm trying to finish an assignment, study for an exam, while taking an exam, during dinner, with friends, trying to fall asleep, or when I want to relax. I hate when you make me feel so small in this world and encourage me to be alone in my bed. You act as a barrier from the world in my life and sometimes it's too much to handle. What I hate the most about you is that you are able to come and go as you please. You can be triggered at any moment, in any situation, at any time of the day.
I used to not be able to stop you. You would cause me to hysterically cry at times, make it hard for me to breathe, my chest would feel like it was caving in, my heart would beat outside my chest, my hands would tremble, my knee would begin to feel weak, and my eye sight would become blurred. I can remember the first time you appeared in my life. Sitting in my first-grade classroom, my stomach was tight and full of immense pain, the tears developed in my eyes, and I just wanted to be in my parents arms. I used to be afraid of leaving my parents side, I was afraid of all the bad things that could happen while I was at school. I never wanted to lose my parents because my love is so strong for them that I would shake while hugging them. You were such an inconvenience to me while growing up. I didn't have my first sleepover until I was 12. I remember all of the phone calls at 1 am to my Dad telling him “I just can't do it …please come pick me up.” You made me feel embarrassed and ashamed of who I was.
Worst of all, you never let me have a break from you. Your bond with me grew stronger over the years, especially as I got older. People were not always kind towards me and this was your feeding ground. You filled my head with thoughts that would cause me to look around while walking through campus thinking no one liked me. You made me lose a lot of my confidence over the past three years. I tried to fight you continuously but I grew very tired. You were always winning the battle. The hardest part is that most of the time I have no words to describe you to other people, and your cause is unknown. I am unconditionally loved by my family and friends. I would argue I am always seen with a smile on my face or trying to make others laugh. I have so much love to give and my heart is so large, yet with a snap of a finger you manage to take all the positivity away. But, this battle has come too far for me to give in. I have become more open about sharing our relationship with family, friends, and counsel. You are not going to manifest your power within me any longer. An advice recently that has helped me a lot is, “Anxiety is a strength of yours. It will cause you to not procrastinate, to get things done on time, to be more aware of situations, and the people around you. Anxiety is not a weakness in any way at all. Some of the most successful people in the world have Anxiety. You are going to be one of those people.”
With that, I send this challenge to you publicly. I will win this battle of who controls our relationship. I am going to take back everything you have been holding onto and allow myself to move forward. Negative thoughts will no longer harvest within my mind, and I will not let you put up those gigantic barriers for me in the world anymore. Yes, you may be surprised that I am trying to put our relationship to an end. Since after all these years you had control. But, this is my life, my mind, and my body. I love you for all of the important life lessons you have taught me along the way, for all of the friends I lost, relationships ended, for the moments you had me avoid, and for making be more aware of how other people may feel. Thank you for making me a strong young woman who feels more confident than ever to face life’s great obstacles. You are no longer going to weigh me down. It may not be easy, but this is a reminder to myself that I have come so far, and been through a lot with you … that is is finally time to say goodbye. You are going to watch me work on myself, my emotions, and our relationship so that we may find a healthy medium.
