My Week As A Housewife

Over Spring Break, I had the precious opportunity to "play house" with my boyfriend while his family was away. I was looking forward to cooking for myself — dining hall food is punishment at this point — and spending the week relaxing down by the beach. Little did I know that the adult responsibilities of house sitting, cooking and cleaning, and caring for a pet would prove more harrowing than I had anticipated. My experiences can be easily summarized by these less-than-enthused 50's housewives from the Anne Taintor collection of Vintage Revisited.

I love lists for their ability to ration out my time and create pressure to actually get things done. But some lists are too stressful to take on by yourself. Sure, I'll take the dog on a walk, make breakfast, do laundry, and wash the dishes, no problem. But when am I going to do all my reading for school?

I've always thought I was proficient at keeping a clean house. And by "house," I mean dorm room. With a full-sized living space to take care of, I was overwhelmed to say the least. You win this round, vacuum.

Cooking has always been really fun for me, but I guess the pressure of creating a full dinner was too much to handle. Note to self, bake and broil are not "basically the same thing." Anyone have a fire extinguisher?

I guess I could add more lemon to this recipe... there's no way that could go wrong. What's that? You don't like your chicken nice and tart? Oh well, too bad. My kitchen, my rules.

Sometimes, you just have to accept the fact that your lamb chops can't even be saved by the miracle-working of the best Food Network stars. It's time to order takeout... for the fourth time.

After a long day, the last thing I want to do is slave away in the kitchen for two hours just to have you eat everything in five minutes and then go watch television. Maybe you could cook something for once? No? Okay, let's both starve then. I'm fine with that.

Baking cookies, brownies, pies, you name it, is my only joy. There's something so soothing about making batter and watching it turn into a beautiful dessert. I definitely won't eat these all by the end of the day, though. Wink wink.

How did I not know how expensive groceries for a week are? Oh right, because I never have to buy them. How do independent adults have money for anything else after food? We barely had enough for gas to get home.

The worst thing to have as a housewife is a negative attitude. But sometimes you just can't help succumbing to the horrifying realization that the crock-pot chicken you spent five hours on is going to be bland and all of this is meaningless. Don't let that smile crack, though. No one can know you're suffering.

In all seriousness, being a stereotypical housewife was much more work, caffeine intake, and stress than I expected. Kudos to those who do it 24/7. I may have spent what felt like ten years in the kitchen, but I couldn't take the heat.