Oh wow, it has taken me a solid 19 years to write this piece, but, I have decided that it is perfectly okay. There is no countdown on my sexuality.

Since I can remember, I have always been uncomfortable saying that I was straight. I mean, I was not exactly lying; I have had crushes on boys, but that was not the point. I was not straight.

It first came to my head when I was in sixth grade. My best friend at the time (I will name her Beth) and I spent every day together. We sat together in the same spot in the morning before class. We ate together in the same booth at lunch. We were close. Then, there was this bully (l will name her Ann) who said that Beth and I were lesbians.

I know what you are thinking. "Was she telling the truth? Did they have a thing for each other?" Um, no, sorry (not sorry). Beth and I were just friends. (Well, at least for me we were.) The bully persisted and drove Beth and I away from each other. Maybe that is a lie. I separated myself from her. I did not want anyone to think that I was a lesbian. I felt so embarrassed.

It took me months to realize that the bully won and I lost. She said hurtful things to Beth and me, and I mistakenly listened. Beth and I eventually became friends again, but it was not the same.

I swore that when I went to high school I would not let anyone tell me who I could and could not like. And I did just that. I felt comfortable in high school. I kept myself busy. I claimed that my crushes on girls were just “friend crushes,” and that I did not really like them.

But, when I was a senior, I fell for a girl. It was bad enough that my life was spinning out of control at the time. It was my luck that I would begin to question my entire existence again. But this girl was real. I knew that I had to tell her. Once I told her, she confided in me that she was bisexual. Damn, it was a big ass relief to hear that. We had such a big heart to heart... and nothing happened. (I know, a real downer, right?) I was sad too. I thought that in some strange universe we would start dating (or something like that). I would not say that I was okay with us not being a thing, but I still had feelings for her. We went through a strange time of lies and deception, and then we became friends again. We are still not dating, and yes, I still have feelings for her.

For the boys—yes, I have liked them. Maybe a bit too much. As a kid, I think I overcompensated for my confusion with the constant obsession with boys. However, I think I only ever liked one boy. He and I were friends for three years, and I do not think I fell for him until after I had depression. I went through some days forgetting all the accomplishments I had achieved. He reminded me of my great qualities, and how he would be there to remind me every day of who I am. I can say that he saved my life a few times. Even if he knew it or not, his words got me through the day, and I could never regret my feelings for him.

So, this begs the question—am I straight, lesbian, or bisexual? I must be one of the three, right? Haha, nope!

So, here it goes… Drum roll please....

Hi, I am Kelsey! I am a girl who identifies as such, and I am pansexual. Ah, yes, I do love pans for cooking, but I do not love them in that kind of way. Being pansexual means that I like boys and girls… kind of. Wait, does that mean that I am just bisexual? Yeah, I wish. (Not really.) I explored the option that I may be bisexual. Heck, I even accepted that as my sexuality, but that never seemed to fit. I began to ask myself, "did I like the people I liked because of their gender?" No! It took me years to fall for the two that I did, and even if they both did not work out, they taught me that I did not care what sex they were. I do not have a preference whether they are girl or guy. I have a preference on positive and negative. I long for a positive light in my life, and if that ends up being a guy, so be it. And, if it ends up being a girl, so be it!

And why is this piece called “my unofficial coming out story,” you ask? Well, I do not think that my sexuality must ever be official (because that will always be my call). And, I feel like I came out already to myself. And, honestly, that is all that matters!

Peace, XX