This holiday is a time where we give thanks for the things we feel mean the most to us. It’s also brought something to my attention. First let it be known that this is one of my favorite holidays as I truly am thankful for everything and everyone I have.

I’m angry with myself. I’m an emotional roller coaster with no brakes so when I find myself stuck on this roller coaster I have no way of getting off. I’m angry with myself because it took this holiday to remind me that I may not express my thanks to my friends and family enough. I feel that I’ve been incredibly selfish and I have a feeling that there are many more people who feel this way too. Not necessarily my friends, but how other people feel like they’re also selfish towards their own friends and family.

I take pride in being a good friend and as of right now it genuinely feels like I haven’t been. I’m sure many of my friends are going to disagree, and maybe they’re right. Maybe I’m just overthinking everything and the overwhelming amounts of guilt that cloud my lungs are there for no reason.

I want to take this time to thank everyone for everything that they do for the people in their lives. I’ve spent the most recent couple of months with the same people for almost every day of the week (aside from weekends) and they continue to make me smile and feel warm even though I feel like I don’t deserve it right now. The people in your lives appreciate every single thing that you do for them. From something as small getting them a glass of water to staying up until all hours of the night taking care of a sick loved one, none of it goes unnoticed. It doesn’t take a ridiculous number of hours or days or weeks to show gratitude, and with that said I also want to apologize.

This is me saying I am so sorry to anyone that I have ever made feel like their efforts aren’t appreciated. I feel mad at myself because the people who do anything to make you feel better are also typically the same people who need that to be reciprocated. I’m not saying that the people around me simply offer kindness and help only if they believe they’ll get help in return. People want to see their efforts appreciated, and sometimes reciprocating what they do for you is the correct form of thanks. Whereas with others you may simply need to smile and say thank you. Some people may just want a big hug.

Everything that I ever get from anyone means the absolute world to me, and I don’t think I really show it properly. I have one friend who writes me notes reminding me to “be happy” when they notice I’m down. I have another friend who sits with me and hears me out. I have many more friends and each of them has their own way of treating me like I’m more than just another person they have in their lives. They give me reasons to believe that my friendship is worth so much more to them than I will ever understand. That’s why I’m a little frustrated and upset with myself, because I feel that they’re great friends to me, and lately I feel like I haven’t shown them, or anyone, that I am incredibly appreciative of that.

I will be spending this holiday with my wonderful family that always goes the extra mile to make sure that I’m smiling, but I will also be spending this holiday with my friends in spirit because I love them all and I am truly blessed to have them.