This is all your fault.
You may think I have moved on because it’s been four years but I haven’t. I may not mope around and mourn like I did when I was 13 but I definitely think about it. It is sort of like the tattoo on my back. I know it’s there and so do others but I don’t think about it constantly because It is out of sight out of mind. I am reminded frequently though.
Tinder is the cause.
I can openly blame social media for my reminders, right? On Tinder I regularly I get messages where they ask when I lost my virginity and who to and all that other crap because people are god awfully intrusive. I must mention that I lost it to a guy I barely knew, but it wasn’t my choice. I tend to get the “awe I’m sorry” message back or I get unmatched. Aside from Tinder dirt bags, I'm constantly reminded by family and friends, as well.
Since I am in college now, sex isn’t a shy topic. Anybody and everybody talks about sex like its dinner conversation. My roommate lost her’s to her boyfriend, my best friend got plowed by a football player, etc. My story is so depressing. I don’t even have a cool first time story. You took away my cool story. You took away my purity and it had absolutely no meaning to you. I still blame myself for what YOU did because I could’ve avoided it.
Is that wrong?
Should I blame my parents for not stopping me?
Should I blame you?
I was 13. You were 17. You knew better. Yet I don’t even think you knew you raped me. Well, I know you did. It is burned into my mind right down to what I was wearing and what time it was. You ruined it for me- life, I mean. You took away my happiness at such a young age. I sound like I want to blame him for all my issues but don’t get it twisted, I do. If you read this right now you wouldn’t even know.
After you raped me, I was so traumatized I texted you. I wanted you to acknowledge that you had ruined me and you didn’t even reply. Did I not deserve one? I think the one time you replied you asked, “who is this?” You knew it was me, or did you? Thank you, sheriff's office for not even arresting him. He got to walk around and torment me for years until he finally moved away, because you didn’t have enough evidence.
Were my words not enough?
I didn't get the justice I deserved. I remember after this that I would sit in the shower and just stare at walls constantly thinking about it. Your friends that you had over that day reminded me frequently about what had happened because we were in class together. I didn't even have a second to forget about it. They called me names and told people how nasty I was. You will be forever blamed for how bad my life turned out. Before you, I was healthy and happy. I wasn’t broken and suicidal. I didn’t have crappy grades. I didn’t self-harm. I didn’t sleep around. I didn’t hate myself. I wasn't tormented in the halls and on the bus.
So, thank you, rapist.
Thank you for ruining me because I have no one else to blame. I won’t forgive you and I hope if you see me again that you remember the way I looked underneath you so you can just cringe at the fact that because of you I am disgusting.
