1. Songs about blue-eyed ladies.

We need more tunes about chubby ears and legs that look like fortune cookies. 7/8 feminists agree with me.

2. The sermon that magically arrives in my inbox every week.

Maybe this isn't so much of a pet peeve as it is just an unfortunate miscommunication between my mom and I. Passive jabs at my unholy lifestyle or genuine concern that I'm straying from our only Lord and Pasta-Maker? She means well. Uhhh

3. Scatting.

This is a big one. I've been avoiding Sundays at the Cafeteria because of it. I think it's the way a jazz singer demands attention as they inhale and just skiddly-boops at your face and you can't look away and they're so proud... eeeeuuuuuhhh.

4. The ladybug on my shoulder that tells me what to buy at the store.

Blue markers, transparent netting, packaged deli meats. Stopittttttt, I'm trying to be good!

5. Paper cuts.

They're bad already because they're tiny and when I get one I scream and look like a weenie in front of girls.

:(((((((

But on top of that, they make me think about getting a paper cut on my eye and it makes me nauseous.

6. The term "pet peeve."

I don't know why but this also makes me nauseous.

7. The Patriarchy.

Step on it in heels.

8. The fact that I can't find foundation thick enough to cover my slimy scales.

9. Why do lesbians still get a period..?

It's rude.

10. The milk-man who still comes to my door.

I canceled my milk subscription in 1951. At least bring vanilla-flavored almond milk or something so I can be a fashionable vegan !!!!!!!! >:-(

11. Vegan cheese.

What are this?

12. I'm not actually a vegan.

Self-control, I don't have it.

13. Buttery crusts.

I like my Hot Pockets dry and flavorless, thank you.