Recently, I have been trying to come to terms with my past and improve myself. I have just recently realized that my current "me" is not the best "me", but not only that, I have improved tremendously since the beginning of high school. And so I was thinking of the idea of meeting past me and what I would say to her. So here it goes...

Dear 14 year old me,

I know that middle school was really hard for you and I know Mom and Dad seemed to have ignored you the whole time. And I know that's why you're acting out this year, a freshman in high school. And everyone's calling you a delinquent and you feel like you need to uphold those standards by getting into fights and talking back. But, you don't have to do that. I know it's easier said than done, but you can do it. I mean, you did. You opened your eyes Junior year and you turned yourself around, and you worked your ass off to start doing well in school and get into college. Yes, that's right, you get into college, but I'll get to that in a minute. Maribeth, I know you're hurting, but you need to express it because you're forming a nasty habit of holding everything in. You're a walking time bomb and let me tell you something; you combust and it's not fun. It tears you and mom apart and it ruins Thanksgiving at Nonna's, which doesn't happen until Freshman year of college. So, you hold a lot of emotions in for years. This year is not going to be easy, as you can already tell. But, let me tell you this. I know that it's not all your fault, the write-ups from Mr. Smoulder. And pretty soon, everyone else will see it too. Sure, you have to drag mom through the mud and force her to sit in class with you, even though she works three shifts every day. Mr. Smoulder will mess up, and when he does, you'll feel a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. I'm sad to say that this year, is the year you learn to not trust anyone. Nicole ditches you for Briona and they will leave you out of their plans. I wish I could tell you how to change that, but I can't, just prepare yourself.

Sophomore year doesn't really improve much. Mom and Dad won't pay much attention to you because of Cameron. Cameron get's diagnosed with a learning disability and he sadly gets compared to you for the next few years. So, I'm begging you, stop being selfish and acting out, and be there for your brother. Some of the things that Mom says to Cameron aren't nice and he needs you to stick up for him. Don't worry, Mom learns her lesson and stops being mean. So, here's some good news. You're gonna meet a boy and it's going to be fantastic. And before you know it, you're in love. He's going to be everything you wanted and more, but it doesn't stay that way. Junior year comes and he breaks your heart. He breaks you and he never even knows. He was the cause of a lot of dominoes to fall. You lose your trust completely, you stop believing in love, at least for yourself, you just shut down. Don't do that. When he decides that you aren't enough anymore, hold your head up high because you put everything into it. Don't let it affect you so badly, keep your heart open because, even though a big piece of me still doesn't believe this, you can be loved.

Junior year comes and things start to look up. You get your license and Mom let's you take the car. But, there's more heartbreak that follows and it's not just yours. Dad messes up again and this time, he's not home to try and do damage control. And I know that when this comes, you're going to put on a brave face and help mom and become Cameron's parent, but I need you to know that you're allowed to express yourself. You're going to be mad at Mom for a long time because of her actions while Dad's away, but you need to understand that it's not her fault and try not to be angry with her. The piano is going to be destroyed right in front of your eyes by mom with a sledgehammer because of Dad, and do you want to know what kills you? She forgets that it was a present from not only Dad, but you too. But don't take it personally. You do get to go to Pittsburgh for a long weekend and party with strangers. You do really well on your SAT's and really start to turn things around at school. You get a better reputation and are able to get along with others and you and Maddie become good friends. She takes you out to Tim Horton's and to parties.

Senior year you rule the school! You come and go as you please, you barely have any class, and teach art to sixth graders! Yes, I know it's something you've always secretly wanted to do. You work in the office and become very good friends with Mrs. Hart, the secretary, and the new guidance counselor. You get into a nice college called Bridgewater State University in Massachusetts. That's right we did it, we got into a school in Massachusetts and it's only a train away from Boston, our favorite city. And Mom is going to blame you for all the stress that comes with it. She's going to say, "You just HAD to pick a school 500 miles away", and she's going to get mad, but don't be mad at her like I was. She's just stressed that you're leaving.

So, you get the heck out of dodge. You move into college and there's a lot of ups and downs, but you get through it. Your relationship with Mom is hurt badly and Neil and you argue to the point that you have to leave Nonna's house on Thanksgiving. But, you're going to find yourself and some good people. There's still a lot of improvement to be made, but you'll get through it. Lastly, there's going to be a death in the family. It's someone that you're not particularly close to, but it hits you like a wrecking ball. It really messes you up inside and you don't talk to anyone about it. Heck, it still bothers me and it's been almost a year. You're going to regret a lot of things after this death, and all they do is keep you up at night. You're barely going to go over to the house once he dies because you don't want to face the harsh reality that you'll never have a good relationship with him. It only had just begun since you came back to Massachusetts for college. You're going to hit a new low after something else happens and drink so much at a party that you end up at the hospital. But, it goes up from there. You'll meet someone else, and even though they leave you, you realize the person that you really want will come with time, you just have to open up a little and be patient with her.

Don't give up drawing, like I did. You'll miss it more than you realize. Don't start smoking like I did either, it's not good for your asthma and it's a turn off. Let people in. And most importantly, be there for yourself.

Sincerely,

Present Maribeth