2020 has been a struggle for a lot of people thus far and I'm no exception. I can honestly say it's been a hell of a year and the sad part is it's only the middle of June. So much has happened that it's almost like reality was twisted into a soap opera, minus the fact that it takes a year for someone to make a freaking pot of coffee.

Back in January, I wrote a self-reflection piece about my transition between Starbucks', and as I read over this piece six months later I realized that there was a parallel between my transfer and the COVID-19 outbreak. While the main point of the article was in a way to document and reflect on my journey, it was also to point out that change is inevitable and that when we do experience significant changes we have to find a new sense of normalcy.

Reading over this article also made me realize I never said thank you to those who made me feel a part of the team before I even joined. I feel like kind of a bitch for not saying something sooner, but I really do appreciate everything those team members did to make me feel welcome and included. I feel bad that it's a year later, but I didn't realize until recently how much easier it made transitioning to a new store. While coming to this conclusion is considered a high point of the year, 2020 has certainly brought the lows.

The coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic struck, killing millions of people around the world. It threw a wrench in our normal everyday lives and pulled, twisted, and shook everything leaving things in chaos. While chaos might be a bit dramatic, at the same time it's not. Businesses, states, and countries were completely shut down, people lost their jobs along with the knowledge of financial security and a sense of panic that some are still reeling from. It's been an absolute shit storm.

It's taken a toll on the mental health of many, myself included. While I wasn't paranoid about being diagnosed with the virus, I could definitely feel the effects and strain mentally. Sometimes we don't realize a change until after the fact, but I could pick up on how I felt like I was more on edge and crazier than usual. Everything happened so fast. New policies and protocols were being implemented nationally, locally, and at work simultaneously. I could feel a rise in my anxiety and it affected my ability to not only sleep but to focus at work. There were some days I was pretty sure I was going to be sent home for it. I had so many questions but, there were no answers, all I kept hearing was about how we were in uncertain times and how it's unprecedented. I was wondering when I'd have my mental breakdown and that should have been the red flag that I needed a break,

I bake when I'm stressed, bored, or just need to get out of my own head. It's a positive outlet that is therapeutic for me and during this time (I mean I'm still baking up a storm really) it gave me something to do but, also allowed me to let off steam. I baked everything from cookies to meringue to trying my hand at cream puffs and that was just within the first week. I baked cookies from other countries (Anzac biscuits from Australia and Afghan cookies from New Zealand) and evolved into vegan baked goods (even though I'm not vegan) and cupcakes/muffins to brownies and blondies.

While a pandemic isn't ideal, it did show me something my best friend has been trying to drill into me for the last few years. That lesson being that I shouldn't feel responsible to pick up the slack of others and that sometimes I need to put myself first and take a break. I am NOT Wonder Woman, Supergirl, or invincible no matter how much I try and like to think I am. It's ok to put yourself first. It was even strongly recommended that I take a week off by some of my friends and peers after the initial COVID outbreak. I won't lie and say I was all for it because I wasn't, but if I'm being completely 100% honest, I'm glad I took the time to regroup and recharge, even if I did still spend a lot of time thinking about work.

Recently I haven't always been feeling like myself or that I'm ok and maybe I'm not. I've felt like the rational part of me gets blocked out by these random bursts of anger, frustration, sadness (sometimes), and get upset over the stupidest and dumbest things. When I get this way I know at that moment that I'm not okay, and I will certainly be the first one to admit it. I think about how I need/want help then try and find a way to get it. For all, I know it's a multitude of different stressors being triggered. It's just when I feel and experience uncharacteristic behavior I get scared that there might be something wrong or another underlying issue.

Part of it could be due to the fact I had to make the hard decision to put my dog to sleep the week prior to when these outbursts started and never really gave myself a chance to grieve. I jumped back into work 14 hours later and did what I could to stay strong for my family, who was taking it harder than I was. I was okay. I accepted what happened. I knew that it was the right choice and that putting Missy down was the right thing to do. She wasn't herself, in distress for the better part of the last 24 hours, and was only going to decline. Once the possibility of a brain tumor entered the equation and the words "hospice case" and "feeding tube" were mentioned it felt like it was a no brainer. Either way, I stand by what I thought and would make the same decision if in the position again.

Maybe my mentioned outburst was my way of grieving (though I expected it to be more crying and sadness rather than anger). It's also possible that the added pain and stress of losing Missy combined with the mental weariness of the virus finally got to me. It's one thing to have it happen once and call it a bad day, but when it happens again and again it becomes concerning. I wish I knew where it came from, but I don't, nor do I know why or what the reason behind it is.

I'd love to say that I'm back to normal and feeling better, but the reality is the last week alone put me in enough of a slump that I don't even want to talk to the one person who I KNOW cares about me and my well-being. Being in this weird place where I don't want to talk to my best friend sucks. I'm not mad, angry, annoyed, or frustrated nor do I think they are with me. I didn't really want to talk to anyone about it. I hate being in this position; I've already shut them out once because I felt this way and I made a promise to never do it again.

I know a lot is going on in the world and between the coronavirus and Black Lives Matter movement it seems like there is more negativity and craziness than normalcy and acceptance. Change is upon us and while that's hard to accept and navigate, we need to start moving forward. The world is moving in a new direction at a rapid pace and what was once considered normalcy no longer exists. We can't be buried in the past because chances are we're not going to get that back or at least not to the degree that things were. I am okay and everybody goes through rough patches.

I hate change. I don't like it when things are different or when there are new rules to play by but, what the last year has shown me is that change isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes it's exactly what we need.

Update: I wrote this article at 2/2:30 in the morning about a week and a half ago and my hope is that it helps this feeling go away. I hope that by laying everything I've been feeling out on the table I can move past everything. The last few days have been better so I think that this article is doing its job and serving its purpose. I'm pulling out of my slump with the help of my friends. I want to thank/tell them how much I appreciate them for their support, letting me rant, and for dealing with my (as of recent) over-caffeinated self.

Another reason why I wanted to write this article was because of the multiple conversations I had with a friend (hopefully), who I know has been having a hard time with the virus. They've made me think recently about my transition between stores and how while change sucks it turned out to be a good thing. Maybe this change will be the same.