I love attention, as do most people, whether they like to openly and loudly admit or not. I don't necessarily enjoy being the center of attention; however, I do enjoy being one person's attention. We are human - we love to be loved, to feel loved, and to give love. It's just how we're wired. We also crave attention; it helps to make us feel human, to feel valued and like we have a purpose in this thing we call life. And so when that attention and love is not present, it starts to hurt, and life just feels that wee bit more crappy.

So, in attempt to find this attention, to help find this longing to love someone and to be loved back, I downloaded Tinder, and Hinge, Bumble - one of the most popular online free dating apps (keyword being free; I am a student...I can just about afford weekly groceries let alone pay monthly for someone to talk to and like me). Now, I know downloading three dating apps may seem abit much, and perhaps it was. But my actions simply shows you how much I wanted to find this kind of single-person, unconditional attention. I was ready to get back out there from my cave and get to know someone in hopes of forming a friendship and then a relationship.

Now don't get it twisted - I am highly aware of the inherent causality of dating apps. For example, I know Tinder is widely known for its ease for strangers to endeavor in sexual relations without the emotions or commitment of a relationship. In other words, Tinder is a "hit it and quit it" kind of thing. And that's cool. Whatever floats your boat. I am not judging; I just want a different kind of boat that doesn't involve someone I've known for maybe a week getting into my pants! Tinder is also renowned for the cheesy, cringe-worthy chat up lines that people use as a kind of 'break the ice' technique. Call me old-fashioned, but a simple "hello, how are you doing?" works just as well, if not better, than "you are sexy" or "Hi, we should link up." I like banter and good chat, not surface-level sentences. Needless to say, I have since deleted Tinder.

I downloaded Tinder more for shits 'n' giggles to get an idea as to whom was around me and if finding future bae was in fact a possibility or if I was exhibiting extremely wishful thinking. I then downloaded Hinge and Bumble under the impression that they are taking a step away from the Tinder-esque convos into the more serious convos about one's interests, life goals, ambitions, family hopes, and occupation. Bumble, for those who don't know, centers around the concept as the woman as the 'Queen Bee' in that if she matches with you, she has to initiate the conversation; the power is effectively in her finger tips if she decides to start talking to you. As a female advocator I f*ck with this concept, hard. However, as an extremely introverted and stubborn person, I am not the one to start the conversation. My brain thinks "ok, you want to talk to me? Well, then talk to me!" Perhaps my stubbornness is partly to blame for why I am on such apps in the first place! But, anyway, Bumble was a no go. I wish I had the confidence to make the first move, but right now, I do not. So, Bumble was also deleted.

Hinge is my current place of swiping yes or no. I get the feeling the men on Hinge genuinely want to dig below the surface and find a life companion, in that way, it's nice. However, and my whole point to this piece, the act of swiping yes or no based largely off a picture of someone is still so weird to me. And then when I match with someone and they ask me the questions that some of my friends, people who have known me longer than an afternoon, don't even ask me is weird. "What are your plans five years from now?" "What are you looking for?" "Why are you on Hinge?" "Tell me five things about yourself that I don't know." It's so weird! So while it warms me knowing there are other 30 year olds out there with no kids, no rings and looking for bae, is it really the best way to meet them?! Hence, why I love it but hate it at the same time.