Here’s the thing: I love food. I have a real relationship with food. We understand each other. Food comforts me like no one else can; food fills me up with genuine happiness. I love talking about food, thinking about food, and looking at food online. When I think about my favorite foods I get this warm and fuzzy feeling inside. You could say I am a foodie and that food and eating makes up a big part of my life and who I am.

Here’s the problem: I do not have the type of metabolism or body type to support such a love for food. In fact, my love for food is dangerous to my health. For as long as I can remember I have struggled with my weight and, as you can imagine, my self esteem. I have never been very pleased with what I see when I look in the mirror, I have always wanted to look different—better. Dealing with these issue is never easy and takes a toll on your mental health as well. I have always looked at girls who were smaller than me with envy, why couldn’t I look like that? Of course, these thoughts and feelings are wildly unproductive, but hard to stop once they begin.

Year after year I would say, “This is the year I finally lose the weight and get healthy!” And year after year I stayed the same and failed to change my lifestyle. Finally when I got to college I took control and I made the changes; I stopped eating so much junk, starting eating in moderation, and made sure to exercise on a regular basis. I am proud to say I lost the weight, and in a healthy manner. I never skipped meals or did anything to compromise my health to get the results I so desired.

So here’s the problem now: I am still trying to lose a few more pounds but it’s getting harder and harder to shed more weight. And I know I shouldn’t pay attention to a number on the scale, but I am so determined to reach a certain goal that I just can’t stop here. I workout very often, I am actually in the best shape of my life, so what’s holding me back? My dearest love, food. Food has become something I don’t enjoy anymore. I don’t enjoy that I know this thing I love is what is holding me back and hindering my ability to reach my goals, I also don’t enjoy that I feel this way and that I am always so concerned about how much I’m eating and how many calories I’m putting into my body.

My relationship with food has become a love/hate one. On the one hand all I want to do is stuff my face with ice cream, French fries, and chicken nuggets. While on the other, I know that although those foods taste so good going down, they won’t make you feel very good in the long run. Food brings me great joy, but I know now that the best things in life are taken in moderation. I will probably never stop loving food the way that I do, but I will make sure to put the health of my body first.