"Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights, I call it a draw
Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights, I wish they'd just fall off
But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know anymore..."
Going through life is hard. It is even harder when the odds are stacked up against you. It is even harder when you lose yourself while trying to be yourself. Instead, you ended up being someone else. Some nights, you question who you are. Some nights, the question is what are you? Your family expected you to do that and be that, but meeting their expectations did not happen. Now, they expect you to do this and be this. It hurts because it feels like you let them down. There's guilt lying around. Seeing mom, dad, brother, sister, and grandma smiling for your endeavors and accomplishments is the highlight of your day.
"This is it, boys, this is war - what are we waiting for?
Why don't we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype
Save that for the black and white
I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked,
But here they come again to jack my style"
Inside, there is a deeper conflict between what's right and wrong. A part of you wants to do the right things. Then, the other part wants to go rogue. What should you do? Oh, the struggle of wanting to live life doing what you are currently doing but having desires to light up old flames and participate in old habits. What should you do? You want to see and make others happy, but you are not the people-pleasing type. Although, you tried to be a people-pleaser on several occasions. Look where it brought you. Nowhere. Again, you ask yourself, "What should I do?" It's not like you can put off making that decision because it is time to choose, now.
"That's alright
I found a martyr in my bed tonight
She stops my bones from wondering just who I am, who I am, who I am
Oh, who am I? Mmm... Mmm..."
For the past couple of nights, the question of "who are you" has been lingering more often than normal. This night is different, hopefully.
"Well, some nights I wish that this all would end
'Cause I could use some friends for a change.
And some nights I'm scared you'll forget me again
Some nights I always win, I always win..."
Contemplating life will cause you to question your friends, as well. You have friends, but are they really your friends? Now, you are questioning the loyalty of your friends. What about your loyalty to them? You convinced yourself that they are not the problem, but you are. Your inability to keep in touch with people hinders chance of connecting and reconnecting. Now, everyone has moved on. Some nights, you reminisce the good ol' days with the clique and wish to relive them. Some nights, you are happy to see everyone doing well as they enter the next chapters of life.
"But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh, Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for..."
Most nights, you still don't know.
"So this is it. I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that for this?
I miss my mom and dad for this?
When I see stars, that's all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like a swan, so come on"
During your nights, you gaze upon the sky and see all the stars. You never understood how people could be so fascinated with how the night looks. To you, it's just a bunch of stars. Some nights, that is how you view life. Thinking of the day when you sacrificed quality time with your parents in order for you to have the opportunity at a better life, was it worth it? It is hard to see what is so special about life. Deep down, you know there is a more meaningful purpose, but your past makes it harder to see that.
"Well, that is it guys, that is all - five minutes in and I'm bored again
Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands
This one is not for the folks at home;
Sorry to leave, mom, I had to go
Who wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun?
My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she called 'love'
When I look into my nephew's eyes...
Man, you wouldn't believe the most amazing things that can come from...
Some terrible nights."
After further thinking, you admit that there is guilt behind leaving your family and other decisions you have made, but you don't regret the decisions. There were good reasons, some of which you can't explain, for choosing those paths. You've been gone for a while now. The most heartbreaking realization comes in when you realize you miss the eyes of your nieces and nephews. You miss your bond. It is unbelievable how much they have grown over the course of the years. Some nights, there is a big smile on your face as you judge before and after photos. Some nights, you just don't know how to feel.
