Now, when I initially wrote out this article, it was more about me dictating what we did while in Guatemala, and not so much about how I felt about being back. This original story got deleted; however, I am happy it did because I think this version will be much more meaningful.

Guatemala is a country so beautiful I do not know how to even describe my feelings towards it. As my part two of my adoption saga, this will be all about my recent trip back to my home country. Up until the summer of 2016, I had never been back to visit the country of my birth. My parents had always told me that we would go back to visit as a family some time in my life, and up until this year, I did not really think that I wanted to visit, or rather if I was ready to. I never felt ashamed of my background, I just felt disconnected to that part of my life. Thankfully, in April, I was able to come to the conclusion that I wanted to go to Guatemala in the summer. We came up with a game plan, and decided we would go to visit from July 2 to July 10, splitting the week in half by spending the first part in Antigua and the second half in Panajachel. If you were to ask me how I was feeling leading up to this trip, even at the airport, my answer would be neutral. I was excited, but at the same time, I really had no idea what to expect. It had not hit me that this trip would really help me discover a lot about myself.

So there I sat on the airplane, its speed picked up, and next thing I knew, we were in the air. Had it hit me that I was going back to Guatemala yet? Not at all. Looking back, though, I am happy it had not hit me and that I had not set any expectations because I believe this is what allowed me to enjoy my trip even more. So, four hours later, we finally landed. That is when everything started to sink in. I was finally back in my birth country. My dad had coordinated with an agency so we would have a driver pick us up from the airport and take us to the first place we were staying. Antigua is about a 50-minute drive from Guatemala City, so this provided a great time to ask the driver questions about the country and its culture. On this drive, it had hit me that this is my home as well, and it felt like I had been living there my whole life. I was home, even if it was only my home for five and a half months, it felt like I never left.

Over the next couple of days we spent in Antigua, which is also where the orphanage I was adopted from is located, we did many activities such as making chocolate, making coffee and watching a children's benefit performance. I began to feel lost. I am eternally grateful for this new life I was given in Lancaster, but I felt as if I was supposed to grow up and live in Guatemala with my mother. Many people that go back to their birth countries are able to meet up with their birth mother or father, or some relative. Unfortunately, I was not granted this amazing gift. To search for a birth parent is extremely intensive, and sometimes searches are not successful, like in my case. While in Antigua, this made me think about how I wished to meet my mother, and I felt that I owe her everything for what she sacrificed for me. I wanted nothing more than to be able to look her in the eye and tell her that my "new" family has given me everything I could ask for, that I am loved and that I think about her every day. I wanted to tell her I love her, miss her and hope she is doing well, but this simply was not possible. Watching all of these children with their parents on the streets made me think that my birth mother could have raised me, but thinking now, I know she could not have. One of the saddest parts of our trip was seeing how many people rely on tourists to buy the goods they sell on the streets, and children as young as five are already out selling whatever they can. As much as my birth mother loves me, I know that she realized this isn't a safe and healthy life, but that by a family adopting me, I can have a future in whatever I set my mind to.

On the day that we went to see this children's performance at their school, we were told that the money they raise all goes towards the children's education, giving their mothers reassurance that they are being properly educated. Here I learned that volunteers live locally. They teach these children and become best friends with them. This really hit me because the woman there said that anyone could do this job, and it would make an everlasting impact on every kid that goes through the school. I began to question my decision on going to Shippensburg in the fall, and if I jumped the gun on college. I kept asking myself, "Is college really the best move for me?" and "Maybe my way of giving back to this amazing country would be to stay and teach." I wondered if I should not go back with my family and stay in Guatemala, because maybe this is what I am meant to do, and maybe this is how I will discover who I really am! I was able to see what a huge impact these volunteers made on the kids, and I could see how happy they all were. It made me feel sick that I, like plenty of others, worship money and materialistic ideals, and do not focus on pure happiness. Each kid has such a simple life and not very much money, but they manage to have a huge, bright smile every second, I believe, due to the power of love.

The next part of our journey took us to Panajachel, which is a city located on Lake Atitlan. I would say that this for sure was where I felt the biggest emotional realization, for sure. The day that made me question every aspect of my life was on our last full day when we took a boat tour of the different villages on the lake. Sitting on the boat and looking at the beauty of such an incredible country made me determine that I am not supposed to leave, I have unfinished business left in this place and I must stay to figure this out, for then I will feel complete again. Each village we went to, I could see how happy and friendly every individual was, because they were doing things that they love, and they had all they need to be happy. Granted, many of these people have little money, and live paycheck to paycheck, but that does not stop them from being content.

This made me decide that I could benefit from this lifestyle immensely, and that I need to live in Guatemala no matter what. I began to think that I should ask my parents to let me stay, and I figured that college is always there for me, I can go whenever I want to. Now thinking about this, I know that college is where I need to be this coming fall, but I certainly plan to do some type of service work in Guatemala during the summer of 2017. I will forever be grateful for this trip, and I truly believe that I grew a whole lot from the time spent abroad. I am so excited for college in the fall, and I cannot wait to begin classes; but, I know that Guatemala will be there waiting for me when the time comes.