I have come to realize in the past couple of months that a lot of things are out of my control. It’s not something the average person thinks about, but the thought came through my head not too long ago. Life is tough and many things are going to happen just because they can. I also find that I get angry at all those things I can’t change. It’s extremely hard not to get angry or let go of these things. The biggest one for me is my future. Being a sophomore in college, I am constantly reminded of the future. The future is just one of those things that is out my control; things are going to happen that can change it for the better of for the worst. Honestly, I have no idea where I am going. Just the other night, I was up late unable to sleep because I was trying to figure out what I actually want to do with my life. My heart was in one place and my mind was in another, a deadly combo I assure you. It’s funny though, isn’t it? I’m more than a year deep in college and I’m still lost on what I want to do.

Switching gears a little bit but hear me out, it will make sense. Being negative is basically my middle name. I always look at the bad in a situation, no matter if there is any good to take out of it. Many people preach the importance of finding the positives in every situation, but I find that extremely hard to do. I’m not exactly sure why I am like this-- it could be my past or just some kind of messed up mindset, but I don’t know for sure. All I know is if something bad happens, that’s it. Game over, there is no positive to be found. It's unfortunately the way I am. This is not to say I don’t eventually learn from bad experiences or mistakes. I’m just saying when the actual event occurs, the negative is all I will see.

I have literally been told to get over it and quit thinking negatively by someone recently. It was one of the most insensitive and un-empathetic things I have ever heard. Trust me, if I could just on the spot, snap of the fingers, stop being so negative ever again, I would in a heartbeat. I didn’t choose to be this way, the world I live in made me this way. What bothered me the most about this ignorant statement was that the person who told me this had never experienced any of the things I had in my past that affected me: emotionally, mentally, and even physically. We would be here for years if I fully explained what that conversation was about, and trust me, no one would want to read an article that long. So, I’ll sum it up by saying I foresaw something terrible happening because of a similar bad situation I had in the past and the person in question basically called me stupid and to get over myself.

Clearly, the past is long out of my hands. Occasionally, I’ll remember some hurtful but important moments and wish I could change them, but that chance is long gone. The future, specifically my future, is what is in my hands now. I believe I shouldn’t worry so much anymore. A lot-- and I mean A LOT-- of things are happening to me at the current time that I can’t change. I don’t know how things are going to work out, but that’s no reason to quit living. I don’t know if I’ll have my act together tomorrow, next week, or event next month, but it has to happen eventually. I don’t know if my negativity will ever leave, but I just have to learn to live with it. I’m just being real, and being real is what I do best.

My future is uncertain, my past is solidified, my present is rough right now, and I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but everything is going to be ok.