My First Attempt At Suicide
Entertainment

My First Attempt At Suicide

Life still goes on for others, no matter if the attempt is successful or not.

157
My Efiko

The one thing I hate about attempting suicide is that it is just that: an attempt. This means I have to answer questions later regarding why I did something so “selfish” and so “irrational.” I really think the irrationality of any suicide attempt is the interrogation that comes with the act. Questions start to pile up to the point where I feel like a Jeopardy game needs to be hosted. Unfortunately for me, I’d be a sh*tty contestant.

When my ex-fiancée asked why I attempted suicide, I wasn’t in any sort of mood to answer the question. It didn’t help that she was asking me immediately after I decided to have my life crumble under the weight of an empty pill bottle. The grim thoughts that haunted my soul for years possessed my actions. There was no focus as to what my accolades were, or that I was young and had a long life ahead of me. I was only focused on stopping the trail of thoughts before I had to deal with it for a longer period of time. Each crack in the wall started to become more distant. The sensation of touch was beginning to evaporate. I could hear a scream in the distance of my worried parents, and the last thing I remembered from the scenery was that blue-eyed blonde representation of my lack of standards leave. Blackout number one commenced.

A police officer was standing over me asking me questions about why I attempted suicide. I really don’t think they interrogate criminal suspects while they’re slouched on a couch half conscious, so I do not have the faintest idea why they would ask me questions in that position. My mind flickered for a moment, in the midst of the haziness the Klonopin allowed me to acquire, to be able to answer the question. It was the cliche explanation that is seen in the tragic Oscar-winning love stories. Guy loves girl. Girl then breaks guy’s heart. Guy tries to win girl back. Girl doesn’t take him back. Guy kills himself. Exposition, rising action, climax, falling action and resolution were wrapped up into one word as “her” expelled from my lungs. The cops, paramedics and even my parents were subject to believe this bullshit lie that I laid upon them. The truth is my explanation was too lengthy. The truth is that my pain over the years was too much to handle. I didn’t have the time or the energy to say anymore, and that’s when blackout number two commenced.

Being carried on a stretcher into an ambulance is not the most glorious of ways to exit a house. I wish I had a more dignified exit with a banner, balloons and my family waving at me to get well soon. There was no party, though. The world still kept turning, and I was not the center of it all. The trees were in full bloom. Flowers were bursting with life in a dizzying display red, green, yellow and orange. Birds soared joyously in the cloudless sky. I had little reason to care, for my wings were clipped. Blackout number three commenced. I quickly drank the coal in the hospital room. Blackout number four commenced. I survived another day with my internal war and crossed off another lucky triumph in my battle with schizoaffective disorder.

With any suicide attempt, life still goes on. I entered and exited hospitals. I visited doctors. I have been in and out of relationships. Life still went on for me. If the suicide attempt was successful, it would have went on for everyone else. I'm still struggling. I'm still human. For anyone else that has attempted, or has succeeded, trust me, it's not selfish. Sometimes the mind cannot cope with the painful thoughts that cloud the logic. I have to constantly think that, no matter what, life still goes on. It's something special, and I am excited to see what's next.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Lifestyle

Founders Of Color Q&A: Yarlap's MaryEllen Reider On Destigmatizing Women's Health

The father-daughter duo co-founded the brand and has since generated a passionate, dedicated community of women.

MaryEllen Reider

I was lucky enough to meet MaryEllen Reider over a decade ago as a fellow freshman in college. Since then, I had the luxury of being able to witness her evolution from the faithful companion I went to my first job fair with to the woman who is now a pioneer in destigmatizing the portrayal of women's reproductive health.

Keep Reading... Show less

My favorite Editor was feeling under the weather yesterday. All I wanted was to make her a vegan iced matcha latte. With distance forbidding it, I instead decided to write up this quick, easy recipe. I made it to be vegan and organic for optimal health benefits.

Matcha green tea is made from grounded green tea leaf and it comes with the most antioxidant boost ever.

Keep Reading... Show less

This coffee brand is USDA organic. Newman's Own Keurig coffee flavors are all organic. They have French Roast, Decaf, and a Special Blend. I'm in a committed relationship with the French Roast flavor. The smell alone from dispensing 1 cup of coffee sets a whole cafe jazz vibe.

I'm already relaxed when I smell the coffee all ready for dressing. The way I make my coffee is simple and sweet, literally. I add a spoon of organic brown sugar and a splash of organic almond vanilla milk. This cup of coffee has changed my life forever. I have never been so productive in my life and I truly believe it's because the coffee is organic.

Keep Reading... Show less

These organic, cruelty-free skincare products are great for hot, sweaty summers. I use them every day, so you will find my honest opinion about them all. I highly recommend using organic products because they are least likely to be harmful to your body.

This may seem like an extra step when it comes to your beauty routine, but it's really easy. These 5 products could be the start of your next beauty venture.

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

These 5 Black Handbag Designers Should Be On Every Accessory Lover's Radar

With the push to support more Black-owned businesses, we've put together a list of Black owned handbag designers.

Ever since the current upheaval of societal silence happening in the country caused by the #BlackLivesMatter movement, there has been a bigger push for people to support Black-owned businesses.

Granted, there are a lot fo Black-owned businesses to support, it just takes time to find them. With that being said, fashion is a sector, just like any sector really, in a culture that still has people of color calling out for more diversity.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

Feel A Lil' Better: Because Therapy Dogs Aren't Just Cute, They're Working

Your weekly wellness boost from Odyssey.

No matter how good (or bad) you'd describe your health, one thing is for sure: a little boost is ALWAYS a good idea. Whether that's reading a new, motivating book, or listening to a song that speaks to your soul, there are plenty of resources to help your health thrive on any given day.

There are many different ways people overcome obstacles in their lives. Thankfully, the stigma surrounding therapy is slowly (but surely) slipping away and we're opening up about our problems and needs. For some, a good workout is just as relaxing. Others are learning how meditation can be a helpful tool in their mental health journey.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments