Have you ever had that moment in life when you look in the mirror and you no longer recognize the person looking back at you? Trying to make sense of it seems like being on a merry-go-round that never stops, you only catch glimpses of who you used to be. Then, as we all do, we scroll social media to live vicariously through other peoples lives and "happiness" (knowing deep inside, it's all a facade). Inevitably, without warning, Facebook reveals memories from years past, and you see a smile that you no longer possess, you still have one, but it's not the same. You see your eyes with a strength that can conquer anything, you can actually visualize her soul.... even through a single photo, the dreams you had expose the vulnerability to still believe in hope.
I wonder, quite often, where was my pivotal moment, or was it moments? Was it all that has happened in my life, or the people who had sifted through it... chipping away at my body like a vulture after road kill. Maybe it is a combination of both. Whatever the case may be, I won't point fingers because a lot of the chaos in my life I've brought on myself. For every action, there will always be a consequence and believe me, I have paid my share. On the flip side, there are things that I couldn't control. Things like being molested as a child, or being raped... only to become pregnant with this mans child. If your're wondering what I did after finding out the devastating news, I did what at the time I felt was right, and I had an abortion.
After that, things began to level out.....the ocean was calm, so to speak. I began to have dreams of a better life and found serenity within myself, and for the first time in my life I was at peace. That is until I met the wrong guy at the right time, or is it the wrong time? Nevertheless, in that moment, it felt like he WAS Mr. Right.....that scenario became a repetitive pattern of bad choices in conjunction with cocktails of drugs. These my friends, are the choices I made and the volcanic eruptions that quickly consumed my life, have left me with scars that tell a story of pain and redemption.
I tell you this because we all have a story. Some are worse than others, but, regardless of the intensity between one persons experience versus another, somewhere along the way we begin building a wall of protection.
This wall of protection does keep harmful people out, but it also keeps good people from getting in. Every day I try a little harder to find that girl who loved life, believed in hope, love and trusted without hesitation. Sometimes I see her, and I can sense her begging to come out like a child screaming for candy. But, it only takes one moment for life to throw you a curve ball and I muzzle her mouth like a rabid dog. How do you convince yourself that your past doesn't define who you are today? How do you come to the realization that no matter who breaks your trust and inserts one more knife in your back, that THEY can not steal who you are? I would love to say that I have figured it out, that I have all the answers and tomorrow I will be a new me that fails at nothing, but that's not life. As I continue to search for ME, I remind myself of one thing....
Failure is inevitable. Unavoidable. But failure should never get the last word. You have to hold on to what you want. Because one day, I will look in the mirror and I WILL see the girl I've longed to be......and that is MY last word.
