I have lived with my mother for my entire life. I have never had a father before. I was always ashamed by the fact that I did not know he was. As a kid, I constantly asked Mom who my father was. Every time I saw a man, whether they be on TV or on the street, I would ask Mom is they were my father, and she would answer no every time. Other times I would ask her, and she would immediately become uncomfortable. She never gave me an answer.
But I could not stop asking. So I kept looking for answers. I looked in family scrapbooks and newspapers. I asked old neighbors and other relatives if they new. I went on Ancestry.com. A leaf appeared on my tree, and I was immediately charged $40 to my credit card. I discovered the fifth aunt on my mother's side. It was nice, but my father's identity remained a mystery. I needed to know, but I had run out of leads. There was only one method left: The Maury Povich show. My mom and I appeared on the show several times, but each of my mom’s previous boyfriends tested negative. So I eventually tried a DNA kit. I knew it wouldn’t tell me who my father was exactly, but I had become desperate after the Maury Povich Show.
I waited for weeks. To be honest, I completely forgot about the test as soon as I sent it. I was decently surprised when the results came back to me. Then I learned the shocking truth: I was 30 percent Scottish, 15 percent Irish, 5 percent German, and 50 percent lizard.
The results left me incredulous at first, but I realized it had to be true the more I thought about it. I have an urge to eat insects every time I see them. My skin always feels dry and coarse no matter how much lotion I use. I eventually accepted the fact my father was a lizard. I just didn't know what kind. At least I had a lead now. I jumpstarted my research, looking through newspapers, magazines, books, from my birth year. Again, my search came up empty. Until I found an old tabloid from 1996. One story caught my eye: it was about lizard people.
Apparently, there was a group of underground lizard people that attempted to take over the world, and they fought a war with humans that wiped them out. Afterward, the governments of the world covered up all the evidence, except for this tabloid.
I presented the evidence to my mother. She looked at me with wide eyes as I told her. After I finished talking, she dropped another bombshell on me: my father was not only a lizard person but the king of the underground lizard people. Mom then showed me photos of her and the reptilian king when she was younger. They kept their love a secret. I interrupted her story because I didn’t want to hear any gross details.
Even though I never met my father, I feel like I have known him my entire life. My father was the lizard king.
Beat that.
