About a year ago, upon my arrival at Mississippi State, I began a journey towards self-love. The Trek thus far has included challenging myself, taking care of myself, and honing the skills I’m passionate about. It seemed to be going really well until last week when I decided to try something I had never done before: modeling.
A photographer I knew was looking for models and, after scrolling through my camera roll for reassurance, I decided that I would be his next.
I changed behind the screen, clutching a grey dress with a sheer lace bodice. The bright lights illuminated the screen and the heat from the lamps caused me to break into a nervous sweat. At that moment I felt in touch with my 16-year-old self. The self-loathing I had worked so hard to usher out began to gnaw at me. I looked down at my body, and for the first time in months I felt hatred towards the many curves and shadows that I had moments before adored.
Doubt whispered in my ear:
"Why did you let yourself do this?",
"You are NOT good enough to be a model"
Something inside of me pushed through, and I stepped anxiously onto the set. An uncomfortable grimace rested on my face, negating months of built up confidence. In one moment, all of the progress I had made in the past year dissolved in the air.
I wish I could say " I came into my own immediately after because I realized I was beautiful”. I wish I could say that in that moment I ignored my size, the bushiness of my eyebrows, or the paleness of my skin. The cruel reality is that I didn’t. I stood there feeling humiliated because in that moment all I could picture were the models I grew up idolizing. I pictured thin supermodels, shapely celebrities, even my pretty friends.
I forgot everything I had learned about MY definition of beauty and I began to depend on the standards I was taught as a child.
The cameras terrified me.
Interestingly enough, I continued to feel uncomfortable with my body and face until, out of nowhere, one of the male photographers jumped into the shoot with me.
I came alive. Poses flooded my imagination.
I felt Beautiful.
I felt Validated.
No matter how many times my friends standing behind the photographer cheered me on, no matter how many times I told myself ,"calm down, beautiful", I still sat there half naked and completely terrified of the camera until he jumped in.
As much as I could preach about self-love, what it has done for me, and where it has gotten me, It is easy to forget sometimes that I’m not quite there yet. I forget that part of self-love is allowing myself to be vulnerable to not only new experiences but new people. I forget that it's okay to look for reassurance in other people, especially because I truly do love myself.
Modeling taught me a lot about how far I have to go, but it also helped me realize how far I've come. I found another little piece of myself last week while standing against that backdrop. So, challenge yourself daily, because you never know where those little pieces might be.
