Dear Ex-Best Friends,

Did you know that I cried when I got home from school and locked myself in a room as if I had seen a ghost? Did you know that I was so depressed, that I wanted to take my life when I was only 13 years old? Did you know I wasn’t comfortable with speaking up for myself? How could I? There were so many of you! Did you know that you tugged at my soul every day? I felt as if I lost so much of myself during that time. Did you know that you affected my entire life from only one year of torment, hurt, and depression? Of course you didn’t.

I use to call you guys my best friends, my main buddies, my true homies, my squad... Of course, this had to be the one time in life where I had a great friendship going along. You had to go and ruin it, only crushing my dreams more and more each day. You hurt me so deeply mentally, that at times, when I think about it now, seven years later, I still cringe of disgust at all of your faces.

For years, I hated you all for taking away my innocence. I hated you for allowing me to see the world as a horrible place at so young. What was once only seen in movies was slowly happening to me.

Do you remember how you tormented and made me hate myself, or did those details skip your mind? If I were to get a hold of you today, would you remember me as the girl that was once a friend, or the girl that you tore every last bit of self-esteem away from?

Ha, who am I kidding? I guarantee that you all remember nothing about this at all. You just don’t care to remember. Somehow, out of the horrible situation, I became something. This once distant reality became a sad but big part of my personality. I once was an outgoing girl with a ton of friends. As soon as your posse took over, I became a shy little girl that was afraid of rejection.

That school year felt like I won the lottery, and before the blink of an eye, I was getting beat down for the money. I was left with absolutely nothing.

Did you go home and not think anything of me? I sure thought a lot about you every day and all the time. I hoped, wished, and prayed every time I came home that maybe, just maybe, the next day wouldn’t be as bad as the day before. I woke up and I dreaded my life, I dreaded school, and to top it off, when I got home, I dreaded that also. I had no one to talk to, no friends, no nothing. My so-called friends went against me, and I’ve always thought it was my fault.

I Want Answers!

I always thought to myself, why did they even do it? Does it make them sleep well at night? Does crushing my self-esteem boost theirs? I have so many questions… just why?! You would call me names and say I was worthless and gangs of five or more people would assist in making fun of me. I thought we were friends! Is it my fault? Am I a bad friend? Was it me? Did I deserve it?

We use to hang out and go to the movies and then all of a sudden, I was being ridiculed for not wearing make up in the seventh grade. Instead of saying, “hey, I have some eyeliner in my purse that’ll look good on you,” you mocked me. You would tell me that you would buy me some, because I probably didn’t have money anyways.

You would scream in the hallways that I shopped at Salvation Army as if there was something wrong with that, even though I hadn’t. Who hasn’t been to a Goodwill or Salvation Army? Did you do this because I wasn’t in the women’s clothing section of stores in the seventh grade? Does that mean I was a baby?

I didn’t curse in the seventh grade, but you did, so did that made me weak? All of these things still make no sense still to this day. Each day there would be another group adding in to make fun of me.

I had to sit alone at lunch because I had no one to back me up. To you, I was a girl you called fat, ugly, four eyes, and bucked teeth. To me, you were like a virus. You attached yourself to me and when I wanted you off, you stuck on longer. You attacked me and tore my immune system apart to pieces. I was considered the different one and I never understood how or why. I was the laughing stock of the show and you were the star.

I Don’t Hate You…

As much as you guys continued to hurt me, I have no hate for you. Where would that put you? The winner. You may have destroyed my personality, requiring me to build another one, but I still came up as the winner.

You made my life extremely difficult. I lost all bits of an outgoing personality. I didn’t think I was worthy enough to talk to people so I didn’t. I went to high school and it took me four years to find a best friend because of my fear to talk to others. Even now, as I’m in college, I find myself wishing that I could just say, “Hey, your shirt is cute,” to the girl sitting next to me during a lecture. I still find myself wishing I had the guts to talk to a boy, or go to a party, or be myself.

Thank you.

In the end, I have to thank you. Thank you for not caring and being yourself so that I could move on to better things in life than to deal with petty girls. I may be shy and take a while to open up, but at least I can say that I lived my life without being remembered as the middle school bullies. Yes, I still cry and believe there is something wrong with me. Yes, I still get sad and feel like I have no friends. Yes, you probably feel as if you may have won, but in this story, I’m the winner. I can say that I survived mental abuse and I am stronger for it now than I ever was.

If I were to get a hold of you today, would you remember me as the girl that was once your friend, or the girl that you tore every last bit of self-esteem away from?

If I look on your Facebook, will I see a well-rounded person that moved on in life? Was it because you had no worries about being rejected and made fun of?

After all these years in my life, I know that it was never my fault. I wasn’t the bad friend, they were! It wasn’t me and I didn’t deserve it, but I’m stronger than you will ever be because of it.

Did you know that you affected my entire life from one year of torment, hurt, and depression? Of course, you DID. You just didn’t care.

I survived your mental abuse.

Sincerely,

Four Eyes <3