I went to a high school where facial hair wasn’t allowed. I started growing stubble my freshman year, so shaving became something of a regular routine. Clean cut was the look that my school allowed, but they never told me how bloody the “cut” part of that appearance would be. Nobody taught me to shave. A couple of people tried to give me tips, but I just tried to figure it out on my own. Even after seven years of practice, I still have the occasional slip and end up bleeding all over my eggshell-white sink.
Once I got to college, I started to let up on the routine of shaving. I'd let my beard grow for a couple weeks then give myself a big shave. It wasn’t until this past year that I decided to start experimenting with my facial hair. I tried trimming my neck and cheeks, having shorter hair on my chin. Nothing really worked out until I shaved a mustache on my face. I just looked at myself and laughed. I couldn’t take myself seriously for a second. It looked hilarious and I had to share it with the world. So here’s what happens when you walk out of the safety of your bathroom with a new mug rug:
1. Your friends will make fun of you.
Some will encourage this new look and some will tell you to go back in the shower and shave it off. This is going to be the first test of what having a mustache is like. Either met with applause and laughter or utter disgust.
2. Scoffs from mom become more common.
My mother actually asked me if I was serious. She couldn’t stand me having a mustache on my face and practically fell over because she was laughing so hard. She has never hated on me as hard as when I walked in the door with a freshly trimmed ‘stache.
3. There's constant maintenance.
Now you don’t always have to keep your mustache trimmed and prepped, but it can only help. There are waxes and oils that you can buy to keep your mustache looking fresh and smelling manly. The absence of care will leave your mustache looking a bit raggedy and sloppy. It will become a huge part of your appearance.
4. Lip hangers are a thing.
Caption from LIFE. Right-wing low is the result of sleeping on one side or resting head on the arm. Cure: sleep on back. Ironing with damp cloths will not work.
When you have a mustache, there are a few hairs that will inevitably find their way to hang over your lips. This can be prevented with good maintenance, but still some will still inevitably find their way to your upper lip. If you’re anything like me, you’ll give it a lick and see if you can pull it inside your mouth. Please don’t do this because then you’ll be tempted to bite it. That hair that was floating above your lip like a butterfly will sting like Beelzebub’s trident where your hair used to be. I made myself bleed when I bit out a mustache hair. I strongly advise against plucking or biting any of your mustache hairs.
5. Food and drink.
Stuff likes to stick to hair, who knew? Whenever you’re drinking beer, foam will be on your face. Eating spaghetti? Be prepared for some sauce to stick around. Never eat a meal without napkins. You’ll end up looking like a fool if you don’t.
6. ‘Stache patting is inevitable.
Along with grooming, wiping, and trimming your mustache, you will start to pet it a little. It sounds strange to say that you are going to pet yourself, but you will. Giving your mustache a quick rub to smooth it out is normal and everyone does it. It is difficult not to touch that lovely patch of hair on your nice face.
7. You will be compared to a lot of celebrities... And not necessarily in a good way.
People like to compare one thing to another to show their understanding. Making references for ourselves is a big help when we want to sound cool or funny in a conversation. With a mustache, people are going to make comparisons with celebrities and yours. A few of these will be far-fetched and not make much sense, but just roll with it. There's nothing wrong with looking like some handsome guy from the movies. (But if they say you look like John Waters, you should reconsider your decision.)
8. You will get dirty looks from strangers.
There is still a pretty nasty stigma attached to mustaches, and if you decide to walk out of the house rocking one, you’ll get some stares for sure. I tried to combat this by making my mustache as big as possible, but there were still the unsettling glares of my fellow community members.
People are going to love and hate your new look, but the most important thing is that you keep it because you like it. I hope some of this information is helpful to you mustache virgins out there. The worst thing that any of you could do would be not to try it at all. Grow out your beard for a few weeks, take a shower, have a shave and see what you find. Who knows, maybe you’ll like the new you.
