There are three things that I know about myself: I am a control freak, I can’t control myself, and I really can’t control anyone else.
I’m constantly trying to be something more. I’m trying to do everything, in an effortless sort of way, as if that’s just the person I am. I want to get good grades, have perfect style, to be healthy and active, to be a master at everything, and, most importantly, to get enough sleep. Truth is, I feel like I can hardly do any of these things.
Sometimes I work myself until I run on empty. Sleep feels optional, and I forget that food is a necessity, not a luxury. That’s usually the worst. It drains me emotionally, and suddenly I feel like a robot, one who can’t bother with emotions, one running on autopilot until their fuel burns out.
And then sometimes I do absolutely nothing. I relax and watch television, or go on social media. I can waste hours on meaningless tasks. And somehow, that’s even worse. I am useless, I think, as I lay around. I feel so powerless, and the one thing I can control, myself, is beyond my power. I feel again like a robot, running on autopilot, not knowing how to unstick myself from my loathing, how to make myself worthy.
Then, it is controlling other people. Nearly. Impossible. Hosting parties is a nightmare, when all you can think about is every little thing, and what everyone should and shouldn’t be doing. People, trying to live their own lives, can’t possibly be bothered with how you feel about them. And yet, though I realize this, I still charge forward with my input.
But perhaps it’s not everyone. Maybe it’s just one person. One person you wish you could control. One you can’t stop trying to control. Endlessly you fool yourself into thinking that they’re not possibly a complex individual with many different things going on in their life, but merely an obedient dog who will listen to you. But people aren’t meant to be obedient, and submit to someone’s control. And, I learned the hard way that you have to let others live their life, not matter if it doesn’t match up to your’s.
There are three things I know about myself: I am constantly growing, I am constantly letting go of being in control, and so is everyone else.
