At one time in my life, I didn't think it was possible. I believed that there was no way to close the book on something, on someone, in your life without reading the last page first. You have to see the ending and feel the goodbyes before you can walk away, right?
It was this thought, and only this thought, that stopped me from putting the story back on the shelf, unfinished. If you are convincing yourself that you will never learn how to move on without an agreement that the time has come, without your last words before you go separate ways, you never will. The only way to succeed in this is to tell yourself it's possible so much that it becomes your reality. You have to speak it into truth.
I struggle between believing that all things in life happen for a reason and the way they will simply because that is this world while also believing that until we start taking control of our own story and actually living will we lead a life we want. It is your responsibility to take the first steps in walking away. Especially if you're still waiting for any sign of closure. There's a good chance it's just not coming.
I sought for closure a countless number of times. I waited months and months for any sign of regret, I opened up so many chances for a real "I'm sorry" and a real "Thanks for the time you gave me, goodbye". Sometimes I got a response that I thought might lead to finally putting it all to rest, and sometimes I got silence. The louder the silence gets, the clearer it becomes that it's time to let go.
It's really hard, I won't lie. It makes you rethink everything you used to know as your truth, it makes you wonder if you ever mattered and where your judgment went so wrong in the person who can't even give you a smile and an ending. And it makes you wonder if it only feels unfinished to you, if they're out there living their lives as though you were never there. I don't know if that's the truth, but if it is that's just one more sign that it's your turn to move on, say goodbye to that part of your past.
It's important that you remember that you aren't defined by this. It's important to remember that your ending is, and always will be, that you are unfinished. That's an ending in itself. That's how your story ends, with you not getting an ending. You're allowed to finish what the both of you started. It's yours now to do with what you wish, and I am giving you permission to just write it yourself and move on. It's easier than it sounds.
Yes, sometimes the past crosses my mind and I look back on it, but now that I gave myself my own closure, I can smile instead of a grimace. It's a refreshing change. I also do wonder from time to time if on one unforeseen day in the future I'll get an apology. But I don't need that anymore.
Go ahead. Say goodbye, even if they aren't listening anymore. You'll still hear it, and you're the one that matters.
