Felt confident entering my final few months of college. I was coming off of a great summer and was graduating early. I was ready for the real world and had job offers in place for after graduation. My last trimester as an undergrad consisted of working two jobs while being a full-time student. Life can change in an instant and mine sure did. At a routine doctor's appointment, I was told I could have breast cancer or a fibroadenoma, a benign tumor of the breast. With my luck, I knew I had breast cancer and was probably dying from it. No longer felt like a person and was so depressed I stopped taking care of myself. Dealt with my possible breast cancer diagnosis on my own since I did not want to burden my family and friends.
Tried to spend more time with friends in hopes my negative thoughts would escape me, but that never happened. There was a guy I knew who was overly interested in me. I had a tendency to push guys away due to the fact I was content with being on my own. He was bold and obnoxiously persistent, so I gave him a chance. He planned our first date and was accommodating when I asked to meet on a neutral ground. It was nerve-racking enough thinking I was dying of cancer, so I did not need any additional stress. I felt bad while with him because I was not myself. Explained to him many times that I was weird and strange, which was only true since the thought of cancer controlled me. He was still extremely interested in me and I wondered why. I desperately wanted to know what he saw in me. He was leaving soon for military training and did not want anything serious. This was fine with me given my goal was to survive the next couple months to at least graduate.
No one knew about our casual arrangement. At the start, he texted me multiple times a day. "Good morning", "how's your day going?", and "goodnight" were just some of the text I received day after day. I thought he was trying too hard and had too much time on his hands. My friends told me he spent his weekends with a lady friend. I asked him if she was his girlfriend and he assured me that was not the case. It felt good to feel wanted especially with what I was going through and selfishly I did not want it to end. He started turning normal conversations into sexual conversations. I thought maybe sex was the only thing I could offer. I was not myself anyway, so the only thing I had left was my body. When it came to the two of us he constantly flaked and only wanted sex. I know how it feels to spend hours getting ready for a dinner date that would never happen. Found myself picking up and paying for many of his meals. Obviously, I was way too nice.
My last doctor's appointment before graduation was the deciding factor of whether I took job offers or just crumbled. Thought maybe I was overreacting and hoped I would be told I did not have breast cancer. As I was sitting in the waiting room I received a text from the guy I was in a non-committed relationship with. He asked me if I could order him food. Told him I would contact him after my appointment. The doctor explained my tumor was a hard mass which indicated cancer and that breast cancer in young women progresses quickly. An ultrasound was scheduled in hopes of confirming this diagnosis. I pulled myself together enough to call him and order him food. Then went to lunch with my mother to tell her I could have cancer. The decision was made to take the time to focus on my health after graduation. Graduated just before Thanksgiving. This led to more doctor's appointments. Some doctors told me I had breast cancer while other said it was a fibroadenoma.
The relationship was confusing since he used my resources so in a way he asked me to commit. He probably sensed I was already broken and took full advantage. After six months of no clear answer surrounding my health, I had the tumor removed. The biopsy came back benign. The explanation for the fibroadenoma was imbalance hormones due to years of taking birth control pills. I was so set on dying from cancer and never came up with an alternative life plan. Sure the thought of breast cancer ruined me and I struggled to move on. I figured out my worth was more than my bachelor's degree would ever allow me to make so I enrolled in a master's program. In the meantime, I had a lot of free-time and slowly felt more like myself. I contacted the casual guy more than normal. He was not repulsed by me at the lowest of my lows, so I was extremely interested in him. Quickly realized the whole relationship was based on his terms only.
Everything had to be systematic and his way. He no longer wanted to engage in conversation and sex had to be the same almost every time. Most of the time he would ignore me then tell me he was busy. Once when we were together I saw him text a girl but figured since he contacted me there was no one else. Asked him numerous times to grab dinner, but he always declined. On my birthday I was woken up to a text message at 6:20 AM. I responded and radio silence followed. This bothered me so much. He had no regard for me at all. Maybe I had been nothing more than his last resort, but the last resort deserves respect too.
Normally I have a good perception of people. He gained my trust, but at times he was a complete mystery to me. After I straightened out myself I wanted to solve him. It became clear he wanted nothing to do with me, so I tried to move on. Unfortunately, the guy I tried to get out of my head troubled me further. Missed my period for the first time, which freaked me out and I had no money. There is always a chance birth control pills can fail. He completely ignored the fact I existed and the radio silence continued I changed my tactics from calls to an email. He responded by saying I had to move on and never to contact him again. I sent another email explaining my situation. His response was it is simple if you are pregnant get an abortion. He was not going to help me and cut off all contact, after all, he was done with me. I figured things out on my own. Luckily birth control pills regulated my hormones so well that I missed a period.
I used to be obsessed with the idea of perfection but feel better knowing perfection is impossible to attain. Cannot help but laugh about how messed up my life has been over this past year. I have learned I must love yourself first before anyone can see me as desirable. Moved on from this awful year and focused on improving myself. I had invested a lot of money to better myself. Started grad school to further my education in a diverse field. I bought a brand new car. Got a raise at my current job. Enhanced my mind and body through yoga. Went to the gym frequently and ate healthy. Mentally I am confident and empowered. Once again feel satisfied being me. Self-improvement is complex and truly rewarding. Finally, feel stable and happy for the first time in a long time. Nobody is perfect. As a person, you can only better yourself for yourself.
