Recently I’ve been in what feels to be a permanent state of semi-upheaval. Between moving myself out, and moving others in and out, I have lost all sense of what it means to be grounded; to have one space that you get to call home, and not worry about whether you will have to move again in a few months.
The only problem is that having that guarantee is a luxury. No one can be sure that you won’t ever have to sell your house, or that you will lose your job and need to find another. These past few weeks in particular, I’ve had to move home for the summer; I had to say good bye to a close friend; my family laid my grandfather to rest; I helped my sister relocate from Florida to New York, as well as help my grandmother move, too.
I wish that the ground would stop feeling like every time I settle it bucks me around some more. And while I know that life will not always be shrouded in this cloak of tentativeness, sometimes I wonder when the end will be in sight. I’m tired of never having a sense of surety: I bet everyone else is, too.
Everyone wants to feel secure, and we all need to tell ourselves that eventually things will smooth out. There is a phrase that I heard a long time ago that I tell myself when I start to feel like we will never have any security, and it’s that there will always be a regression to the means. It means that no matter how bad—or even how good things get—they will always balance back out to the middle.
We, as humans, are always growing and evolving. We need to remember that, no matter what happens to us, be it good or bad, happy or sad, it will always be a step forward in life. When there is loss, it means that you have room for gains. When you are feeling low and sad, the only place left is up and happy.
In between my bad times I’ve had quite a few good ones, too. I got to go to my great friend’s baby shower, and a graduation party for my aunt. My sister is now only a four-hour drive away instead of 22 hours. I get to see many of my old friends that I lost touch with since college. Things may often feel never-endingly sad, but the happy seems to shine through the cracks just as powerfully.
Everyone feels this way at some points in their lives; others may feel this always, just a dull thumping in the background that keeps you wondering, “When?” And while there may not be a way to for sure predict when the good times will come back around, or just when the other shoe will drop, sometimes knowing that everything eventually settles is a relief.
