In the 21 years I have been alive, I have gone through my fair share of friends. I'm sure most of you have realized this, but friends are hard to make and even harder to keep. Even after I think I've met a "good" friend, we've been friends for years, and then we just stop being friends. I'm left with no reason or explanation why, just feeling a sense of loss.
Losing a friend is like mourning a death. I have to learn to live without that person. I hear a song on the radio and think of the time I was in the car singing at the top of our lungs and suddenly feel a deep pain. It's something that never gets easier — if anything, it gets harder and harder.
It's an odd feeling to be left but have no reason why that person left. I think, "was it me?" "did I do something?" I try to reach out and no response. I see that person as I'm walking out of a building and I feel hot and nervous, but the other person acts as if I don't exist. A part of me wants to ask what the deal is, but a part of me doesn't want to know the answer.
After this happens I don't trust as easily, I'm more reserved, and don't know if I want to make new friends. Once I do make a new friend, I'm always thinking in the back of my head that I shouldn't get attached because they're just going to leave like the rest.
I don't want to be paranoid, but I am, and my new friends may pick up on it and wonder what's the deal. A part of me wants to ask, "is this friendship going to last or are you going to leave?" But I can't really ask that, I mean I could, but I may scare them away. Sometimes I do find that great friend and I can tell them that I'm scared they're going to leave.
Being cautious isn't a bad thing, but I try to not let it affect experiences. When I find a friend worth fighting for, I do just that—fight, but I've learned that it is not bad to walk away once I've done everything I can. I don't want anybody who doesn't want me. In my life I have found a few dear friends that I would drop everything to help, we don't always talk, but we always find time for each other, and that's what matters most.
"A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow."
