Periods of life where I have a high need to highly achieve are the periods of life where I thrive the most. The more there is to drop, the more there is to gain. College and beyond are years where it’s pretty obvious that life is busy and marked with moments of hard work. Where does the drive to keep going come from? Where does the motivation stem out of?

Picture this: Its 2 a.m., I have a laundry list of tasks to complete, a room to clean, an ever-present need for sleep and a class at 9 a.m.. Tomorrow, I have every minute scheduled until 9 p/m/, then I will hit the library and finish more work, stay up past 2 a.m. again and repeat. Days like this turn into weeks like this. How do I press forward?

Sometimes, and I hate to admit this, the only thing that pushes me through a wall of work is remembering who I am. Often, usually around 3 p.m. or 3 a.m., you can catch me giving myself a pep talk. You can do this, Lilli. YOU can do this. You’re so smart, an efficient worker, and undeniably type A. YOU CAN DO THIS. If I am in the library for six or more hours, I’ll go to the bathroom and look myself in the eyes and puff up myself. You’re Lilli freaking Abbatacola, you can do this. This is easy.

Pep talks are fine. Everyone needs a good pat on the back every now and then, but there is a difference between motivation and ego-inflation. Unfortunately, my peers and I get this so backwards. Those pep talks I give myself are straight up selfish, self-centered, self-loving, ego inflating garbage. Self-talks like this nourish pride, we think we can study for an exam because we are great. We think we can work an eight-hour shift and then go straight to the library and then a party because we are strong. We think we can learn the entire material for a course the night before the exam because we are so smart. I think I can clean all my stuff up, write a research report and write letters to people in two hours and then get up in five hours and go through an entire day. This is ludicrous.

So much of what I tell myself is ego-inflating and pride-swelling garbage. By nature, we are detrimentally self-centered and overestimate ourselves. We can see this even in fitness or socially. I hadn’t been to the gym in two weeks and, the first day back, I went way overboard because I thought I could handle it. Newsflash: I could not handle it. Still can’t move my hamstrings. Socially, I think I can make all these friends and be a part of a million social circles and still prioritize my best and closest friends. Newsflash: I didn’t see some of my best friends for days!

Instead of pride feeding and ego edging self-talk, when I am worn out, I am going to feed myself with motiational speech that isn’t centered around the power that comes from me. “I am going to do this to the best of my ability because that is honorable.” “I am so thankful that I get to go to school and earn an education when so many kids my age cannot.” “I am going to be disciplined and finish out this project with dignity and honor.”

Motivation built off of ego inflation is only as good as I am. The moment I mess up, which happens a lot, the motivation is flawed. My propeller forward is broken and my motivation is gone. But when I make my motivator something outside of myself, I no longer am relying on my broken, untrustworthy self.

So next time its 3 a.m. and I still have an hour of work to do, I am going to motivate myself with something that will never falter: Truth.