You rearrange your life around these sorts of things, but sometimes, it still isn’t enough.

Grief comes in waves. It comes at the most random and unexpected times. It could be years after your loved one has passed, but you find yourself crying on your commute to work, in the shower, or eating your breakfast.

Staple holidays like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day release many undiscovered emotions to the surface.

Every person is different. Every family has their own unique situation. For the first year celebrating these holidays without a loved one, you may not want to celebrate at all. You may want to carry on traditions or create new ones.

It’s never easy trying to balance what each of your family members is comfortable with. The uniqueness of grief serves as a blessing and a curse. Having that conversation with your family, and being able to come to a consensus on holidays, birthdays, and other life events will make the process much smoother. Some things aren’t actually better left unsaid.

Regardless – listening to your heart will help you heal in the healthiest way possible.

So often, we shove our emotions away and try to grieve publicly in a way that pleases everyone else. We like to make sure everyone else knows we’re doing well, and honoring the memory of our lost loved one. Sometimes, we really aren’t okay with a Facebook post, or a bouquet of flowers, or an afternoon at brunch. No honorary tribute will magically heal a person.

For some, Mother’s Day or Father’s Day may hold no meaning. For others, it may be the most difficult day of the year. And it may become more difficult than anticipated once you realize you’re celebrating without that parent.

It’s okay to be selfish with your grief.

Grieve in a way that comforts you. After losing my mother, I was so focused on making sure my grief was acceptable for everyone else that I lost sight of how I actually felt.

You owe no one a Facebook post, nor a brunch or a bouquet of flowers. Visit a place your loved one used to love to take you to. Try making their favorite food. Honor their traditions. Spend time with your extended family. Do whatever will comfort you on an unexpectedly difficult day, no matter how untraditional that may be.

Remember that your grief is yours. As long as you aren’t harming yourself or others, you owe no explanations for how you choose to cope. It is a delicate and personal thing that you can share or keep to yourself as much as you need to. Taking the time to care for yourself is a vital factor of self care and grieving.

For those that have the privilege of celebrating Mother’s and Father’s Day with their mother or father – cherish these moments. For those celebrating without a parent – focus on what will comfort and satisfy you. Honor your own wishes just as much as your lost loved one. Trust your process – you know yourself much better than you may think.