Motherhood, the greatest injustice.
I know. You’re thinking, “I can’t believe she just wrote that.” Well, I did. It’s true. Sometimes, being a mother can feel like the greatest injustice in the world. You are trekking along, minding your own business, a lovely 20-something with your whole life ahead of you, and though maybe not a super model, you do your hair and makeup. You dress up for church, for a date or an event, and maybe even manage to turn a head or two once in awhile. Then one day, you find yourself in ratty sweatpants surrounded by laundry and dirty dishes and realize the only part of you that's been washed are your hands, and that’s because they’re always in the sink. Otherwise, you don’t have time to shower, you don’t even know where your makeup is, forget about combing your hair and those trendy clothes don’t fit anymore, so who cares?
You feel like you put your brain on a shelf somewhere and wonder if you’ll ever see it again. It isn’t just that you can’t think straight because you’re juggling schedules for a family, trying to make sure backpacks are packed, homework is completed and signed, and practices attended, but because you've also traded words like "ladies’ room," "injury," and "quilt" for "potty," "boo boo," and "blankie." One friend of mine, in a late-night Facebook post, compared her pre- and post-motherhood life like this (I’ll paraphrase so as not to creep her out by sifting through a year of posts): “I used to disassemble and reassemble an automatic weapon blindfolded when I was in the military. Now I’m assembling a breast pump in the dark. What happened?!”
Some days it can be really hard. You know yourself to be a well-informed, even intelligent, woman with ideas, interests, hopes and dreams. Yet, you find you spend your days repeating, in the simplest of sentences, the most mindnumbing instructions to a crew of miniature humans who appear to be unable to hear anything you say (except the words "candy" and "Disney World") or see any objects that are not toys, snacks or aren’t pumped through the television.
You may wonder, "When and how did this happen?” It comes as a shock because you don’t recall anyone thrusting a contract under your nose and demanding that you agree to the fine print. You don’t even know where that page of fine print is, but apparently it reads that you will forfeit your identity, autonomy, freedom, intelligence, meal time, showering and sleeping. You don’t recall agreeing to never use your brain for higher-level thinking, and you certainly didn’t think your voice would no longer register in the ears of anyone who refers to you as “Mom.”
Maybe you knew that having a family would mean that you would serve others; your husband, your children, but you didn’t know you’d be their slave. They probably wouldn’t ever dream of saying you were their slave, but sometimes it feels that way, doesn’t it?
When you met that wonderful man you married, you thought you would do anything he asked. You would gladly give him anything he needed. You’d lay down your life for him if it came to that. Maybe you thought somewhere along the way that, because he loved you, of course, you could give yourself to him. You would belong to him, and he to you. You would be complete. For someone who really loved you, it would be easy to serve, right? No, it would be a pleasure.
Listen. Jesus is the only one who is going to love you like that. You may have the most wonderful, godly husband on the planet, and there will be days that he isn’t going to care that you long to serve, and he isn’t going to serve you back. Sometimes he will, but sometimes you will both slip into the routine that is life and you’ll just… forget.
You may have the most beautiful little offspring in the world, a perfect combination of your dearly beloved and yourself. They are not going to care that you serve them and they will definitely not serve you back. They don’t see you as a person, not the way you want to be seen. You are Mom. From their perspective, it’s your job. It's what moms do. We serve. Your kids may not use the word “serve,” but they understand what you do. A series of verbs comprise your identity: cook, clean, drive, wash, buy, fold, get, do. That's what they know. They don’t even realize that's how they operate. They don’t see anything but their toys (and only when they’re interested in playing with them, wish for you to buy them or if a sibling has them). They certainly don’t see them when they need to be picked up and put away. They don’t see their laundry when it is circling the empty hamper, so close to the receptacle that, if they were lava, the hamper would melt into the floor. They don’t hear anything outside of their favorite new jokes that are so old you heard them from your parents growing up. Their music, which, amazingly, is too quiet—so quiet they can’t hear it playing next to their beds at night, even though you can hear downstairs in the living room. Without a doubt, they cannot hear you ask them to take out the garbage, bring their dirty clothes downstairs or the reminder that their rooms must be cleaned before they can play.
No, they don’t care that you serve them. Well, they care… but really, only if you stop doing the things they expect you will do. When they need that specific shirt, then they care that you do the laundry. When they want their favorite lunch item, then they care that you buy groceries. When it's time to take out the garbage or vacuum the house once in awhile, they notice that usually, you do it. But, they don’t really appreciate it. They don’t really know that they're supposed to.
It is exhausting, lonely, demoralizing, frustrating and just plain unfair. Motherhood can sometimes really be an injustice. You sacrifice everything about yourself and your needs to make sure another human being walks out the door with clothes pressed and perfect (OK, clean. Mostly), with a lunch, important books and papers and anything else they may need. You slink back in the door as quickly as possible so the neighbors don’t see that you’re still a hot mess, or you throw on a hat and hope you don’t run into anyone you know on the way to drop them off at school. You give them everything you have. They say they love you. Then they ignore every word you say, every instruction you give and every lesson you teach.
Guess what?
We do the same thing to God every. Single. Day. He provides for our every need and most of the time, we don’t even notice unless we find ourselves lacking. Often, what we're lacking isn’t even a need, but a want. He gives us little instructions. Simple ones. He asks us to listen to His Word. We say, “Yes, God.” Five minutes later we've forgotten what it was we said we would do. He asks us to take care of ourselves and our things. We say, “OK, God.” Then we make decisions that are bad for us, ingest things that aren’t healthy for us, spend time with people who care nothing for our well-being and burn our candles at both ends until we have no time left for Him. Often, we spend our days worrying about everything we need to accomplish, everything He has given us to manage and do and forget that He even exists. We expect Him to help us, but sometimes, we don’t even ask Him.
There was a time in your life that you wanted to feel whole. Complete. There isn’t anything wrong with that. We're meant to feel that longing. Do you know that Jesus is the one who completes you that way? He’s the only one who won’t let you down. It doesn’t mean your husband is lousy because he sometimes disappoints you. It means he's human. It doesn’t mean your children are horrible and you wish you'd chosen a different path. It doesn’t even mean that it’s wrong to get your feelings hurt when you feel overlooked or ignored. Just remember that you aren’t the only one that feels that way. Your life and role as a mother is shaping you, daily, to be more like Him. Remember that He understands you. Give to Him what you long to receive from those you serve. You will find you feel much less empty.
Maybe you aren’t a mother yet. Maybe you aren’t even a wife. Make this a habit. Trust your Father, God, to teach you how to be a servant. Your role in serving others is a model of how you are to serve him, and your attitude toward serving Him will be reflected in the way you serve others. Learn this now. It will make your life easier down the road. Then, one day, when you find yourself surrounded by laundry and dirty dishes, wondering why your hands are the only part of you that have seen soap recently, maybe you will find you're better able to surrender yourself to serving your loved ones, knowing that really, the one you are serving is Jesus.
