William Shakespeare. We all know him. He's the founder of our early modern English, not to mention he has invented over 1,700 words of the English language. He has also made the lives of high schoolers everywhere as miserable as they could possibly be with his impossible use of ancient English and depressing endings to plays. Nonetheless, if there is anything that helps us get through an hour of decoding Shakespeare, it's his hilarious, hysterical, uproarious and never-ceasing amusing insults! I decided to compile a list of Shakespeare's top 20 insults that we need to start using on a daily basis.


1. "Poisonous bunch-backed toad!"

2. "More of your conversation would infect my brain."

Our equivalent of saying, "If I talk to you, I'll lose the already-little brain cells I have."

3.“The rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended nostril”

4. “There’s no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune.”

Pull yourself together. Shakespeare thinks you're worse than soup.

5."The tartness of his face sours ripe grapes."

Ouch. He just compared you to grapes.

6. “Thou leathern-jerkin, crystal-button, knot-pated, agatering, puke-stocking, caddis-garter, smooth-tongue, Spanish pouch!”

He went there. He just called you a Spanish pouch.

7. "A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality."

This should be an Instagram bio.

8. “I’ll beat thee, but I would infect my hands.”

You're not worthy of his hands. Peasant.

9. "You have such a February face, so full of frost, of storm and cloudiness."

Oh yeah? Well... you have such an... August face, so full of .... heat, of sun and more sun? I don't know how Shakespeare did it.

10. “Your brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after voyage.”

11. "Villain, I have done thy mother."

Shakespeare basically founded "yo mama" jokes.

12. “Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat.”

13. "O you beast! I'll so maul you and your toasting-iron, That you shall think the devil has come from hell."

You better hide your toasting-iron.

14."I do desire that we may be better strangers."

He might have well said, "It's not you. It's me."

15. "Away, you three-inch fool."

16.“You starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, you bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish–O for breath to utter what is like thee!-you tailor’s-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck!”

When you run out of logic so you just put together the vilest things possible into one sentence.

17. "Thou sodden-witted lord! Thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows."

Hah. You have no brain just like I have my elbows. Logic? Nope. Hilarious? YES!

18. “Thou art unfit for any place but hell.”

19. "Methink'st thou art a general offense and every man should beat thee."

Such a simple insult for such a complex world. I love it.

20. "Thou art as fat as butter."

You just got buttered.