William Shakespeare. We all know him. He's the founder of our early modern English, not to mention he has invented over 1,700 words of the English language. He has also made the lives of high schoolers everywhere as miserable as they could possibly be with his impossible use of ancient English and depressing endings to plays. Nonetheless, if there is anything that helps us get through an hour of decoding Shakespeare, it's his hilarious, hysterical, uproarious and never-ceasing amusing insults! I decided to compile a list of Shakespeare's top 20 insults that we need to start using on a daily basis.
"More of your conversation would infect my brain."
Our equivalent of saying, "If I talk to you, I'll lose the already-little brain cells I have."
Pull yourself together. Shakespeare thinks you're worse than soup.
Ouch. He just compared you to grapes.
6. “Thou leathern-jerkin, crystal-button, knot-pated, agatering, puke-stocking, caddis-garter, smooth-tongue, Spanish pouch!”
He went there. He just called you a Spanish pouch.
7. "A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality."
This should be an Instagram bio.
You're not worthy of his hands. Peasant.
Oh yeah? Well... you have such an... August face, so full of .... heat, of sun and more sun? I don't know how Shakespeare did it.
Shakespeare basically founded "yo mama" jokes.
13. "O you beast! I'll so maul you and your toasting-iron, That you shall think the devil has come from hell."
You better hide your toasting-iron.
He might have well said, "It's not you. It's me."
16.“You starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, you bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish–O for breath to utter what is like thee!-you tailor’s-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck!”
When you run out of logic so you just put together the vilest things possible into one sentence.
Hah. You have no brain just like I have my elbows. Logic? Nope. Hilarious? YES!
Such a simple insult for such a complex world. I love it.
You just got buttered.