The 20 Most Savage Shakespearean Insults That Will Have Thou Crying

The 20 Most Savage Shakespearean Insults That Will Have Thou Crying

He was the father of English, epitome of high school literature class... and also the king of savagery.
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William Shakespeare. We all know him. He's the founder of our early modern English, not to mention he has invented over 1,700 words of the English language. He has also made the lives of high schoolers everywhere as miserable as they could possibly be with his impossible use of ancient English and depressing endings to plays. Nonetheless, if there is anything that helps us get through an hour of decoding Shakespeare, it's his hilarious, hysterical, uproarious and never-ceasing amusing insults! I decided to compile a list of Shakespeare's top 20 insults that we need to start using on a daily basis.


1. "Poisonous bunch-backed toad!"

2. "More of your conversation would infect my brain."

Our equivalent of saying, "If I talk to you, I'll lose the already-little brain cells I have."

3.“The rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended nostril”

4. “There’s no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune.”

Pull yourself together. Shakespeare thinks you're worse than soup.

5."The tartness of his face sours ripe grapes."

Ouch. He just compared you to grapes.

6. “Thou leathern-jerkin, crystal-button, knot-pated, agatering, puke-stocking, caddis-garter, smooth-tongue, Spanish pouch!”

He went there. He just called you a Spanish pouch.

7. "A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality."

This should be an Instagram bio.

8. “I’ll beat thee, but I would infect my hands.”

You're not worthy of his hands. Peasant.

9. "You have such a February face, so full of frost, of storm and cloudiness."

Oh yeah? Well... you have such an... August face, so full of .... heat, of sun and more sun? I don't know how Shakespeare did it.

10. “Your brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after voyage.”

11. "Villain, I have done thy mother."

Shakespeare basically founded "yo mama" jokes.

12. “Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat.”

13. "O you beast! I'll so maul you and your toasting-iron, That you shall think the devil has come from hell."

You better hide your toasting-iron.

14."I do desire that we may be better strangers."

He might have well said, "It's not you. It's me."

15. "Away, you three-inch fool."

16.“You starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, you bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish–O for breath to utter what is like thee!-you tailor’s-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck!”

When you run out of logic so you just put together the vilest things possible into one sentence.

17. "Thou sodden-witted lord! Thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows."

Hah. You have no brain just like I have my elbows. Logic? Nope. Hilarious? YES!

18. “Thou art unfit for any place but hell.”

19. "Methink'st thou art a general offense and every man should beat thee."

Such a simple insult for such a complex world. I love it.

20. "Thou art as fat as butter."

You just got buttered.

Cover Image Credit: Wikimedia

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22 New Things That I Want To Try Now That I'm 22

A bucket list for my 22nd year.

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"I don't know about you but I'm feelin' 22," I have waited 6 long years to sing that and actually be 22! Now 22 doesn't seem like a big deal to people because you can't do anything that you couldn't do before and you're still super young. But I'm determined to make my 22nd year a year filled with new adventures and new experiences. So here's to 22.

1. Go sky diving.

What's crazier than jumping out of a plane? (Although I'll probably try indoor skydiving first.)

2. Go cliff jumping/diving.

I must be the only Rhode Islander who hasn't gone to Jamestown and jumped off a cliff.

3. Ride in a hot air balloon.

Up, up and away.

4. Try out skiing.

Cash me in the next Olympics, how bout dat.

5. Try out snow boarding.

Shawn White, I'm coming for you.

6. Go bungee jumping.

Because at least this time I'll be attached to something.

7. Go to Portugal.

I mean I'm Portuguese so I have to go at some point, right?

8. Go to Cape Verde.

Once again, I'm Cape Verdean so I have to go.

9. Vist one of the seven wonders of the world.

I mean hey, Egypt's on, my bucket list.

10. Try out surfing.

It's only natural that somebody from the Ocean State knows how to surf.

11. Learn a new langauge.

Because my little bit of Portuguese, Spanish and Latin isn't cutting it anymore.

12. Travel to a state that I've never been to before.

Fun fact: I've only been to 17 of the 50 states.

13. Go paddle boarding.

Pretty boring but I've never done it.

14. Go scuba diving.

I'm from the Ocean State so I guess I should see the ocean up close and personal.

15. Learn how to line dance.

There's actually a barn in my state that does line dancing, so this one will definitely get crossed off.

16. Go kayaking.

All this water around me and I haven't done a lot of the water activites.

17. Stay the night in a haunted hotel room.

I bet if I got my friends to come with me, it would be like the Suite Life of Zach and Cody episode, minus the ghost coming out of the wall but you never know.

18. Get my palms read.

Because who doesn't want to know their future.

19. Go to a medium.

Like a medium that can communicate with people that have died.

20. Take a helicopter ride.

Air plane: check Helicopter:....

21. Sleep under the stars.

Because sleeping in a tent is more like glamping than camping

22. Just to try new things in my everyday life.

Whether it's trying a new restaurant, getting something different at my usual restaurants, changing my usual style, going on the scary rides at amusement parks, and bringing things I used to do back into my life now.

Cover Image Credit:

Author's illustration

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Season 2 Of The Handmaid’s Tale Is Over And We Are Not Ready To Feel This Loss

Praised Be, Season 3 is Coming.

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This week, we were kissed goodbye until next year by the show that's captivated the nation: The Handmaid's Tale. Based on the 1985 novel by Margaret Atwood, the book follows a young woman trapped in a dystopian post-American nation run completely by the elite's interpretation of the Bible. Audiences have followed her journey for two seasons now.

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Season 2 came with many emotional roller coasters. Do we feel bad for Serena Joy, or is she permanently stained as evil in our hearts? Whatever happened to Luke and Moira after their five seconds of screentime? How is Hannah's new life as a child of Gilead? Will June ever make it out?


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These are the questions most viewers were thinking at the start and end of the season. While many questions were answered, the finale brought with it whole new set. Without spoiling anything, let me just say. Watch the finale in the daylight to be reminded everything's going to be alright after you turn off the TV.

Digital Spy suggests that we'll be seeing our favorite cast members again in the late spring of 2019. Actors Elisabeth Moss, Alexis Bledel, Joseph Fiennes, Yvonne Strahovski, OT Fagbenle and Samira Wiley have all confirmed their return.

Will Aunt Lydia be back?.....

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To read a full breakdown of the finale by Yvonne Strahovski (Serena Joy Waterford) presented by the New York Post, click here.

Until we binge watch our favorite ladies in red, blue and beige again, be sure to catch up on all episodes of season 2 and 3 on Hulu. That's right, no more waiting for Wednesday.

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Blessed day!

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Hulu

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