In life I had two sets of parents, one set who truly loved me and one set who chose to abandon me. This is a glimpse of the damage truly caused.

I remember a time in which you loved me. It took mom getting sick for me to be loved by the two of you. It now makes me sick to know that is what it took to gain love from people who should have been parents in the beginning. You always said you were going to help me take care of her too. You made it seem as if I finally belonged to a real family instead of wondering the world completely lost and alone.

Although the sicker mom continued to get the less you appeared in both of our lives. You left dad and I to care for her almost entirely alone. I went to her everyday no matter how exhausted I truly was from working a full time job with more hours than a normal work week. I confined in you about her most everyday. I continued to say how hard it was getting for me, but your only suggestion was to call hospice. I had to make that call alone.

The pain from calling them sent me into a downward spiral to destroy every connection I felt to everyone. I lost the person I loved the most because I refused to let them in. You said when mom was gone I'd be completely alone, I tried to ensure that was my reality. I chose to hold hands with the darkness I was fighting off for so many years. I devoted everything I did to making sure mom knew I loved her and dad more than my own life. I put all my hopes and dreams on hold to make sure, the people you forced to do the same, they didn't for a second think I wouldn't do anything for them.

Mom was in hospice for 2 months before she passed. She fought until I finally told her a few days before that I knew she was tired and she could let go. I told her I can do this and I will always love her. You didn't know that though because she fought to live longer for me instead of you. You don't know how much strength it took for me to allow her to let go. I couldn't be as selfish as you. You took the life she could of had by choosing you didn't want to be the person I called mom. You always said she convinced you that you were going to be a bad mom. I know that was a lie, no mom gives up a child they truly want.

I still remember the day she passed like it was a bad dream. I remember telling all my friends that I wasn't comfortable talking to anyone for a while since it would be too much for me. I remember you sitting in the room she made for my brothers you chose to keep telling me you felt like you didn't spend enough time with her, the truth is that you didn't. You are so self absorbed that you didn't come to see her enough. She was your mom too, and you abandoned her like you did me. You would continually express how horrible your life is, yet the damage you've caused a multitude of people was nonexistent in your mind.

Did you know I can't form healthy relationships from fear of abandonment? At least that's what my therapist tells me. She said I can't properly let someone know me since I constantly have a guard up that says they will leave. I started seeing her five months after mom passed but you wouldn't know that. You said "I'm tired of having to work around your schedule" when I wanted to be included in the choosing of her headstone. That's when I let you know how much I truly hate you.

I shove pills down my throat to try to make myself forget the trauma that you have caused me. I can't find a reason to live anymore without mom here to remind me life will get better and to keep pushing through. I am fighting every reason my head tells me to die to keep my promise to take care of dad. Dad says he thinks God had this all planned out. He thinks you giving me up was all part of the plan to give he and mom someone to ensure they were taken care of the older they became. I don't believe in God but I do believe you giving me up was the best thing for them. They earned a daughter who shows them what love truly is.

I hope one day you will be a person that learns what it means to truly love other people as well. Until that day comes I will keep my distance and continue to stay strong while fighting through a world I feel I don't belong. You were suppose to be my biological mom, but instead you were the monster who didn't know how to love a life you created.