The moment of confusion. The moment of pain. The moment of rationalization. People want to talk about the stages of grief but grief is so much more than that. Grief can be small for some people and massive for others. Grief is made up of moments and memories. Some people who are grieving might fill up a suitcase with these moments and memories, other are swimming in an ocean of them.
I cannot explain how it feels to hear that someone has died, it's one of those moments that you can never shake. I've experienced around seven of these life-changing moments and I remember each one as vividly as the last. While I've experienced a lot of these none of them hit me quite as had as the most recent.
I recently lost someone who I looked up to my entire life. I remember wanting to be exactly like her when I grew up, she was smart, kind, and beautiful. She had been through so much in her short life and had been so strong, she was an inspiration, to say the least. It feels unreal to think that the light she brought to the world is elsewhere now.
Over the past few days I have seen family, friends, and acquaintances band together to support her family. The outpouring of love has been inspiring. As my family sat together, supporting and reminiscing with her family it was impossible to not notice who was missing. She brought happiness and love to so many people when she was alive and now it was time to give it back. There has been so much hurt and hatred in the world over the past few months these moments of honesty and support stand out greatly. Sometimes it takes something earth shattering to remind us that there is love in the world beyond what we can see.
I worry about her sister, her kids, her nieces, her nephew, her parents, and her friends. I worry that we will forget the light that she brought to the world around her. As soon as I worry about these things I think about the love she had for her loved ones. I think about the rainbow that appeared directly over her sister's house after her death. I think about the baseball hat she always wore in her photos. I think about being four years old trying pop rocks in her family's basement for the first time. I think about those little moments and memories that I know everyone who knew her will hold dear.
Tomorrow we will say goodbye to a daughter, sister, mother, aunt, cousin, niece, and friend. While it might seem like it, it won't be "goodbye", it will be "see you later."
"Seeing death as the end of life is like seeing the horizon as the end of the ocean."-Davis Searls.
