Mom,
Long gone are the mornings where I tiptoed out of my room to find you on the couch, coffee in one hand, Bible in the other, welcoming in the day with your morning devotions.
I remember cuddling up on your lap, comforted by the scent of your perfume and gentle touch of your hand stroking my hair. I remember you making me hot chocolate so that I could have a mug just like you. I remember getting ready for the day, wanting to follow your example when it came to everything. I remember wondering:
Why does her toothpaste foam so much?
What is that weird claw contraption she clamps on her eyelashes?
Who in the world is Victoria, and why does she have a secret she is keeping from everyone?
Now, I am miles away at college and bigger (can we go with "the same size"?) than you, so laying in your lap every morning isn't exactly an option. Now, I have my own bottle of liquid foundation, so you don't need to give me your moisturizer to trick me into thinking I'm mimicking you. Now, I go to the grocery store alone, so I don't look forward to being a quarter richer when I put away the shopping cart.
Because life is life and people grow up, our relationship's dynamic has changed. I'm the first to admit that it's been a struggle, especially my first summer after college. There are obvious places where I want to take the reins, but there are also huge moments in my life where I still need your help. Though navigating through the stages of dependence, codependence, and independence won't be easy, I'm positive we'll make it and assure you that you shouldn't worry about me. Why? Well, as I've transitioned into adulthood, I've learned a thing or two.
1. I get why you wake up at 5 am every day.
Being a servant, mom, wife, sister, teacher, friend, and mentor all-in-one must be exhausting. You are in constant communication with people, putting your needs aside to help others first. Your life is go, go, go, and those cherished moments in the early morning before the rest of us awaken are the only ones you have to put yourself first.
2. I get why you get so mad when the rest of us don't help with dishes.
After I began cooking, I realized how often I need a dirty utensil or more cooking space. I realize how exhausting preparing food can be. I realize how the enjoyment of food is tainted by the daunting task of the mess I have to clean. No wonder you were frustrated when we didn't help you clean up the meal you provided.
3. I get why you sometimes snap at me when I call you at work.
It's hard to talk about the amount of guilt I feel after I am short with you on our random phone calls. I love talking to you, but the rigorous schedule of college can sometimes make me high-strung. I don't mean to sound distracted or short-tempered, but sometimes those 10 minutes we spend talking on the phone are the sole 10 minutes I have to recharge between two different time commitments. I wouldn't trade our companionship for anything, though, so I still answer. If it's this way for me, I can only imagine how hectic it is trying to answer the phone while you're on the job.
4. I get why you want to know so much about my life.
You ALWAYS put family as a top priority, so your life has been filled with so much time by my side that it's strange to create lives independent of each other. Coming home this summer to a family that experienced an entire year without me inadvertently had me feeling like a distant relative. Suddenly, all these memories you all shared without me made me feel less needed and connected in your lives. Now, I understand why you've always wanted to meet all of my best friends, see my classes/dorm, and go to the restaurants I frequent.
5. I get why you worry.
When you don't answer your phone, being further than a short drive away from you makes me nervous. For one, you almost always answer when I call, so if you don't answer, I have to remind myself to not immediately think the worst. Second of all, I can't just hop in the car and drive to your approximate location to find you like I did when I lived at home.
Aside from that, the news is filled with stories where the worst things happen to young women. Sending me off to college must've been a nightmare for you.
6. I get why you are so hurt when we complain.
No matter how many compliments I get on my accomplishments, the criticism of shortcomings is what sticks with me the most. I wonder if people are unable to see how hard I am trying to do my best, and I feel like a failure when they bypass my strengths and compare my weak spots to others' points of success.
You gave up time to yourself to feed us dinner, drive us to our practices, pack our activity bags for long car rides, attend parent meetings, help us (or at least attempt to) with our homework, take care of us when we were sick, buy us nice clothes, and teach us to always show love. You didn't have a manual. No wonder you'd be so upset when we said the chicken was too dry, the shirt was too juvenile, or the advice you gave made everything worse.
You were always trying your best, and your best is more than we deserve.
As a woman who isn't even a wife or mother yet, I feel overwhelmed with the pressure to be a combination of strong yet gentle, outgoing yet silent, confident yet modest, and compelling yet traditional. I can't believe I never saw how hard it is to play all the roles you do. I am so sorry I didn't understand before.
Mom, I think I get it now, and all I can say is thank you.
I love you,
Your little girl.
