Are you not fooled by the loving façade? Are her cookies a little too addicting? Does your aunt have a neck tattoo? If you answered yes to any of these questions, your mom could be a drug lord.
There are many ways to figure out if your mom majored in risky business; the easiest would be to involve the DEA. We here at Odyssey care for you and your family, and would rather you not launch an extensive investigation into the legitimacy of your mother’s book club; so here are four questions and a statement to help you determine if your mom’s real job is moving more bricks than The Commodores.
1. Does she love her family?
If you’ve seen the show Narcos, you’ll realize she’s a lot like Pablo Escobar. Pablo Escobar loves his family, your mom loves her family. Pablo Escobar’s a drug lord, your mom’s a drug lord. Pablo Escobar has a great mustache… it’s a pattern, not a coincidence.
2. Does she have loose cocaine lying around?
You’ve probably seen it before but thought nothing of it; I mean, it’s in a container labeled flour, isn’t it? Have labels ever lied to you? Yes, especially now. How else do you think she makes those snickerdoodles taste like crack? Two of the main ingredients are cocaine and baking soda.
3. Has she ever asked you how your day was?
“How was your day?” sounds an awful lot like “I deal cocaine.” This is just one of her many colloquialisms that goes under the radar but is really an admittance of her devious deeds. Other's she loves include "how are you feeling?" (I can't stop dealing), "grandma says hi" (where's transport guy?), and "eat your vegetables, they're good for you" (there's no way the cops are ever going to catch me, I'm just a mom; if they blame anyone it will probably be you or your father even though neither of you have anything to do with it).
4. When you told her you didn’t love her, did she threaten that she “brought you into this world, and Uncle Richard can take you out of it”?
Chances are Uncle Richard’s a hitman, not just a creepy friend who went to college with your dad that’s always asking when you turn 18, hugs you for an uncomfortably long time, and downloaded snapchat just so he could send you self-erasing Dick pics.
5. Ask her if she’s a drug lord.
She’ll say no. All drug lords say no.
Now that you know your mom’s a drug lord, ask yourself if it really matters; because in all likelihood, it doesn’t. You’ll love your mom whether she’s a drug lord or not. I mean, you have to. If you don’t, Uncle Richard will kill you.
